December 29 & 30

I'm having a good break. Have had some much-needed down time. Have gone for a bike ride or run every day this week. Getting plenty of sleep.

When practicing bass last night, I found that I got the best results when trying to have a light touch. As Carlos Castañeda said, "To be a warrior one needs to be light and fluid." (A book of mine, The Little Zen Companion, seemingly misquotes this to say "To be a man of knowledge..." this is something that Castañeda did write about, but in this case it seems he was talking about a warrior, In any case, I like it.) I remember thinking this when trying to learn the Romance from Lieutenant Kije by Prokofiev; one particular Eb minor riff needs a light touch not only to sound good, but for you to even get through it at all. And it extends to other areas of life too, as the Castañeda quote exemplifies.

Seeing the old-school "Unforgivable" videos really brought back some good feelings. Lifted my spirits in a way that needed to happen.

Elie Honig inspires me. He's scrappy. He seems to have a simple, direct approach to things that I will emulate in 2022. I dig his approach to work - dive in, full throttle, nail the details because they matter. (A Twitter thread he posted tonight, 12/30, inspired this paragraph.) I appreciate that he's unabashed about his attention to detail and his general acumen. I like his simple and direct language. He's good at breaking down complex legal concepts into everyday language, peppered with colloquialisms that spice things up. It's largely what I strive to do when communicating science.

So, in 2022, I need to be light and fluid. I need to go for it when it comes to nailing the details and the fundamentals. I'll be like the Elie of engineering. And I will take regular breaks to remind myself of the finer things. To do otherwise would be...unforgivable.

December 22

One year ago today, I got a positive COVID-19 test result and was scared for my own health. I remember the anxiety I felt when going to bed, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now, I'm feeling anxious about the future of democracy in this country.

I am a real seeker after truth. I must strive to always seek the whole, real truth in everything I do. In politics it is no different. Tonight I am thinking about what I can possibly do, as an ordinary concerned citizen, to help the Democratic party keep the majority in both houses of Congress during the midterms. It's a tall order. But it's an impact I genuinely want to have.

It reminds me of the other arena where I dearly want to have a major impact: science. Sometimes I feel like I approach my research with the wrong mentality: like it's something I have to do. I psych myself out with it. But I need to approach it like it's something I want to do, because I am a seeker after real truth who wants to help other people. I must let that guide everything I do.

December 8

It has been a while since I've posted. Time has flown by, and we are almost at the end of yet another year.

I feel that I've made a modest modicum of progress since my last post. I've gotten invited to submit a full proposal to the DOE ECRP. I've decided on a postdoc candidate to hire. I submitted a proposal for the R21 Trailblazer award that I'm proud of.

But I need to push it to the next level. I need to be writing reliably, every single day. Make it an automatic habit, and one that I exercise out of enjoyment, not out of obligation. I need to hold myself accountable daily and weekly with check-ins on the FSP writing forums. 

I need to make a strategic plan for the next 3 years and for the next 10. The clock is ticking, and I need to have a good sense of where I'm headed. But checking my last post, at least things are still moving forward.

Gradatim ferociter.

October 20

I realized today that I have not taken full advantage of the Grant Training Center membership that I think I may have. It might be gone by now. 

I'm a little anxious when it comes to getting grant funding. The only proposal I have under review right now is the NCI IMAT. While I feel better about that proposal than the PRMRP we submitted on a similar topic, I still am skeptical about its chances. We didn't propose animal studies, and that is all anyone seems to want these days.

This weekend, I will have time to myself that I need to use. I need to make a strategic plan for the next 3 years, and specifically for the next year. It needs to have the proposals I'm going to submit laid out nicely so that I can start planning my submissions well in advance. This includes the NSF CAREER, DOE ECRP, DARPA, and various unsolicited NSF proposals and NIH proposals. I need to start shifting my bedtimes so I can get up and work on a grant or a paper every single day. I must master the art of grant writing. The only way to do that is to do a lot of grants, and get desensitized to rejection.

Some short-term things I can do:

• I need to get back in touch with that guy who does foundation stuff - Johnnie knows him. 
• Finally, I can consult Leigh about courting ONR program managers. This self-healing wetsuit has some promise.
• I need to talk with the DARPA guy about strategizing for my YFA grant.

I will get it done.

October 17

Edmund Portnoy Z"L (זכרונו לברכה) passed today. Sad day. May his memory be a blessing.

I made the most of it. Took another bike ride to Starbucks like yesterday. Answered a bunch of emails, removed advising holds, stuff like that. Now it's 1:05 AM, I'm up too late again, and I need to get to bed.

I wanted to make a quick entry to say a few things:

1. While on my run today, I had the thought to "just dig in" and get myself panting while on the run. That is the attitude I need to apply to my work as well. 
2. I must be relentless. I must budget my time wisely, heavily favoring the tasks that are most important.
3. When I got into the groove while practicing bass yesterday, it started to get easier. It was almost like, once I got into a rhythm and just played tune after tune, my attitude and approach to The Bass changed. I took more creative risks. I expressed myself more. I think I can apply this approach to research as well. This drives home the fact that I need to create, create, create.
4. Why not start my day with a smile, and perhaps a nice tune? Some Bach or maybe a chant. 

October 3

Today, I decided to just focus on reviewing Marissa's document for an hour and be done with it at the end. It's not perfect. I have more questions than answers. But I think this can be a good approach going forward. 

I need to get my ass to bed, but there is really some magic in finishing. 

Just declare at the outset: I'm going to spend an hour on this thing and declare it done when that hour is up. Impose deadlines on self and don't budge.

Break things down into doable chunks. Give yourself a definite time period to do the chunks. And then do the chunks to the extent that you can, and remember done is better than perfect.

Let's see how this does this week.

October 2

I am going to start reviewing my paradigms. I can feel them beginning to shift.

The people influencing me at the moment are Darren Lipomi and Stephen Duneier. I need to figure out how to integrate the wisdom they impart into my own life. 

From Duneier, the key is to master breaking large tasks into smaller chunks. This is something I've known about in the past, of course, but I need to do in a more concrete way. And make a definite plan to finish things, whether perfect or not.

From Lipomi, it remains to be seen, but I like what I've seen of his stuff so far. It was reassuring to hear that he didn't get any grants from 2015 to 2018. It's also good to remember that Bob Langer's first 9 grants were rejected.

I shall integrate the wisdom of others, but put my own stamp on things. Being myself has gotten easier over time.

September 13

It is important for me to set high standards for myself. Looking back, those mentors who had the greatest effect on me were the ones who held me to a high standard. I still remember the language in Jankowski's syllabus:

The expectations and standards imposed in this class will be "high."

Of course, Dwight also held me to a high standard. If you set a high standard, oftentimes people will rise to meet it. If you set a low standard, some people will exceed it, but some will just do the bare minimum.

I will be a nice teacher, but also a demanding one. I will cultivate a fun atmosphere, but I will also impose high standards. In the classroom and in the lab. On others and on myself.

This is related to minimalism. Minimalism is a form of imposing high standards. It is the recognition that not everything deserves to be in your life. Not all words deserve to be said. 

September 5

My priority is to do excellent scientific work that is robust and holds up to scrutiny. 

As I said to Jason today, I really enjoy writing.

I truly do love science (not like the fb page). I truly do love to teach.

I am not going to forget this. Like during my practice sessions over the weekend, I will remember to have genuine fun.

This will guide me forward.

September 4

While playing bass tonight, I had a thought: stop caring. 

I turned 37 on Friday. Not much happens on your 37th birthday. It stops having significance at 21, in terms of what you can do, and maybe has a touch of significance otherwise at 30. I suppose 40 will be something. 

The older I get, the more I feel I have some idea what I'm doing. Not too much. But while I was improvising on the bass tonight, wondering whether I really felt like playing at that moment, I had this thought - I am here, playing, so I might as well try and let out what was in my head. I wonder if I can apply this mode of thinking to my research work. Yes, I'm under pressure to publish. Yes, I'm busy all the time with no time to do anything. So why not have fun with it? Why not at least not half-ass it, and let my heart and soul flow out onto the page and the laboratory? 

I would rather do 10 minutes of real, actual, deep, creative work a day than 10 hours of crap. Let's see if I can accomplish that.

August 30

If I want to bring in more grants like Remi or Parag or Siddhartha...I need to write more proposals. I need to work for it. It won't come easy.

I need to have a fire in my belly. 

Talk to Remi in fluent français. Talk to Paulo in fluent español.

I need to work on projects that fulfill me, that sate my soul, that I am excited to get out of bed in the morning and work on. 

I am getting there.

August 23

Inspired by Paddy the Baddy, and a few events that happened today, I figured out what I need to do.

Take charge. Dominate like an MMA fighter. 

I will assert myself. I will charge ahead. I will tell Shrishti to plow forward with the PEGylation, but in a smarter way. I will be the leader of the IPF project that it needs. I will act like a man...in a good way.

Manliness shouldn't be a bad word. 

August 18

I felt like a leader today. We were having a meeting between Jorge, Luis, and me. Despite the fact that I am new to the IPF game, I feel like I was able to take charge of the conversation and make some decisions. 

I am a little miffed to realize that I did not do any writing today. That cannot happen again. I really need to get back on the wagon. I realized this evening that I spent a little too much time recreating - running, watching The Sopranos with Jayme, then FailArmy videos, then showering. That is nice to do once in a while, but I can't let it be the norm. I have too much to do.

I need to make a strategic plan for the next few years. It needs to be doable. It needs to be ambitious. It needs to be concrete. Many times in the past 3.5 years I have felt somewhat rudderless. It starts with having good goals, and then breaking those goals into doable chunks, and then actually doing the chunks with care.

I need to make specific, smart, desirable, attainable, realistic goals for the rest of this week:

1. Strategic plan progress: map out the next year.
2. Set up a meeting with Lamar, specify a timeline for writing the proposal.
3. Meet with Shabnam, make a timeline for writing the proposal
4. Reach out to 3 potential contributors to the book project
5. Write my sections of the Micromachines review paper. It's really not that big of a deal.

Tomorrow morning, I start by doing my part on the Micromachines review. That needs to be the priority since it's due on August 31 and I haven't done much on it yet. Also, preparing figures always takes longer than you think it will. That's starting at 8. And if I can go longer than 9, I will. Then meeting with Shabnam at 10 - probably makes sense to do that from home. Then I drive to Starbucks (double star day!) and grab lunch somewhere. (I need to rethink my lunches. It's been way too long, and I enjoy going out to lunch too much, but it needs to be reduced.) Mid-day emailing will need to target some potential contributors whom I'd love to have: maybe someone at Penn State, someone like John Gibbs perhaps, and maybe someone international like Peer Fischer or Oliver Schmidt. Then meeting with Nathan at 1 about capstone and with David & Joy at 2 about her paper. Then more writing until 4 or so, when I start getting ready to go to the gig.

Let's go.

July 21

The answer all along has been to not think too much about it. Just do. 

Swimming put me in a good mindset tonight. I did not allow myself to become overly emotional, or immediately interject after Jayme would say something, but to simply sit and wait. Wait for the right words to come to my lips. A few pauses are OK. Like a jazz solo, it's worth taking the time and giving yourself the space to say what you really need to say.

Emboldened by that, I went outside and worked for a while on the J-agg manuscript and spotted an important deficiency in the caption to the last figure, which is supposed to be the cherry on top of the paper. 

All in all, a good work evening.

The secret is to just do.

July 20

Well done to the Bucks. 

Josquin des Prez is a good recent find.

NBA players have to work unimaginably hard to win a championship. As the commentators pointed out, Giannis Antetokounmpo grinds for every single point. Watching the game tonight, and listening to the mellifluous sounds of Missa La Sol Fa Re Mi make me wonder what the two have in common.

I think both of them could have been divinely inspired. Inspiration is the fuel that drives hard work. As Angela Duckworth tells us, it's about having a combination of passion and perseverance. But I have to wonder if Giannis ever feels unmotivated to do a practice session. Or if Michael Phelps feels unmotivated to do a swim workout at 5 AM on a cold morning. I bet they do. So what do they do that others don't? 

I think the answer lies somewhere in the Zig Ziglar quote: "People often say motivation doesn’t last. Neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily." Even the Phelpses and Giannises need to be re-motivated sometimes. They're just more regular about doing it day in and day out.

I need to figure out how to direct myself. I need to figure out how to inspire myself. I want to become a truly independent thinker. The force that is truly for good. I need my own divine fuel. I know some likely locations to find it.

June 29

I need to be more blunt at times. Crisp, clean delivery. Too often, I end up rambling. 

Like Jonny Kim said: Maximize information per word.

I need to remind myself to respond quickly, crisply, and forcefully to the myriad things that come my way. It reflects a deeper need to instill (and re-instill) confidence in myself. Practice makes perfect. This CHRB grant has given me a much-needed boost in that department, and I must now channel it into further forward progress. 

Confidence can go into my scheduling as well. "I'm going to block off 60 minutes to do this thing, and at the end of it, I will be done." Boom. On to the next thing.

Let's make it happen, beginning today.

Step by step. Vigorously.

June 22

Irrespective of what others are thinking, I am excited about the work I am doing. 

For the CAREER: My career goal is to make a microswimmer that moves efficiently in any ECM. This will change the way diseases are treated, from fibrosis to cancer to biofilms to atherosclerosis. The CAREER award will set me on the path toward reaching that goal.

June 17

The CAREER needs to be a souped-up version of the successful GRFP proposal. You've got to inspire the review panel. It needs to have the same energy, the same verve as that did. 

My dream is to be the guy who used nanotechnology effectively to provide clean water to the world. Or...

My dream is to change the way cancer is treated.

A stroke of inspiration struck me that evening in Tempe. (You could probably draw a causal line, with a decent amount of weight, between then and where I am now.) The same needs to happen this time. 

June 14 - stuff to talk about

Wanting to take a break and simultaneously work all the time

"crushing pressure" to get grants

Dealing with Shrishti

-------------------

The talk with JK tonight was helpful. 

I really need to figure out how to break things into fine-grained, doable chunks that I can make my way through. An example is the CAREER. Tomorrow, let me map out the process of applying for the CAREER award, from beginning to end. 

Step by step, all the way to the actual steps.

May 29

I need to be Miguel Garza when he recites the woman's vehicle's VIN number back to her. Memorize her number in one go. Nathan showing encyclopedic sports knowledge.

Unabashed.

May 25

This is the summer I need to completely capitalize on. This may be my last chance to get a viable and vibrant research program up and running.

Pursue self-healing wetsuits.

Pursue the CAREER idea - make nanoswimmers viable for water treatment! As DMW said: "Today a lot of humanity is exposed to harmful contaminants like PFAS that currently goes untreated. The environmental and health costs are large. Such swimmers could destroy them in a wide variety of applications." That's the opening sentence of the proposal.

Pursue DNA nanoswimmers.

Pursue ViroBots. Maybe those should be made out of DNA nanoswimmers.

Pursue Shrishti's project. Maybe DNA NPs need to be Shrishti's project. I could float the idea. Let's see how our preliminary experiments go with the ibidi slides. But 'done' is better than 'perfect' in this case. Maybe we just go with loading and transport of cargo onto the rods and call it a day.

I take inspiration from two things:

• Lucky Adoh (a Twitter follower of mine from Nigeria): "Not all corns pop at the same time." I should remember this when comparing myself to various other assistant professors...
• Remembering the phrase from the episode of Louie: "Say 'I don't know' and you will learn everything." Sooner or later, if I'm going to get somewhere with some of this stuff, I need to admit my shortcomings and express a willingness to learn. Start from wherever I need to start, but always take a step forward.
• Bonus quote, from El Dragón: El regreso de un guerrero: "Don't do anything that is not useful."

OK, I need to get the eff to bed.

May 14

A short note: today, after enjoying some alone time, I think back to around 2009 or 2010 when, under similar circumstances, I wrote a note "a promise to myself." I can't seem to find it anymore. The essence was:

Jeffrey Moran is an animal. A beast. He doesn't take "no" for an answer. He goes for what he wants. He sticks up for the little guy. I promise to honor that man. To be true to him and to allow him to flourish. From now until the end of time.

This summer may be my only chance. Let me charge straight at what my heart and soul truly desire: to use swimmers to make it so more people have drinking water, more people get cures for diseases, more people can breathe easier. To train the next generation of scientists, whether that be Shrishti or Shirin or Sajad or whoever. Let me push myself to be the best version of this Jeffrey I can possibly be. Get up at 6 every morning. Let Nathan inspire you and keep him on his toes at the same time. Let Phil propel you forward. Let Dwight hold your feet to the fire. This is my time. This is my summer.

May 11

I wouldn't have thought the Unabomber would get me thinking the way he has. He was the featured article on Wikipedia the other day, and something about his philosophy was a bit unsettling. Somehow, I got down a bit of a rabbit hole reading about his Luddite nature, the fact that he was initially a genius math professor who ended up being a recluse and living a simple life. 

I make a living developing technology and training others to do the same. Reading about Ted Kaczynski strikes a tone that is critical of my very way of life. I think the way to approach this is to follow the quote attributed to Aristotle: "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." I must admit, I found something about it disturbing though.

Does technology increase human flourishing, or not? Very complicated question that I probably can't answer fully in one blog post. Certainly, in some ways, it does. But in other ways, it doesn't. Social media is a good example of a modern technology that has extremely positive and extremely negative aspects. But I want to believe that at least some technology can be overall a net benefit to humanity.

As I mentally tossed (what I know of) the Unabomber's thoughts around in my head, entertaining them without accepting them, I ended up here:

I must do all that I can to ensure that the technologies I work on enhance human flourishing and have a minimal negative impact on the environment and on people's lives.

(As a side note, I'm getting better at saying and writing what I truly feel. I felt it when revising the Military Relevance document for the PRMRP proposal today, and felt it a few other times earlier this month when I was getting into the groove of things.)

Week in review / Looking ahead

This past spring, I got renewed.

Greenlight.

Now begins when I dig in and do the real shit. Let this renewal be a chance to renew myself as a scholar, an educator, a researcher, a man.

Let me continue to cultivate my curiosity daily. Let me nurture it. Let me allow myself to be lost in the work.

Let me get started.

Things to talk about, 5/3/21

• Is it my place to tell her she needs to exercise more?
• Alcohol consumption on the rise
• Check-ins with her cousin not happening these days...unclear why
• "Ags, you're a lazy butt. But I am too..."
• "Do I still look OK?" after funtimes. Only one right answer to that one.
• Shrishti weirdness. What is the right thing for me to do as a mentor?

April 21

 A running list of the chores I do regularly:

• Turning the porch lights on and off every night/morning
• Get WaPo newspaper on Sundays
• Shovel walk (during winter) (usually)
• Mow lawn (during summer)
• Making coffee in the mornings
• Feeding Agnes (>50% of nights)
• Doing dishes (~75% of the time)
• Taking the trash/recycle bins in/out on Tuesdays/Wednesdays
• Laundry
• Picking up take-out (usually)

Things I do some of the time:

• Grocery shopping

Things Jayme does:

• Clean litterboxes
• Cook
• Grocery shopping
• Order food
• Order home furnishings, appliances, etc.
• 
  

April 20

Some good things happened today. 

Derek Chauvin was convicted on all counts. Right result.

I went for a 7-mile bike ride on a gorgeous spring evening.

I took a couple hours off. Enjoyed myself. Listened to a lot of music - Bakar to Bach to Vulfpeck.

I've got a gig to prepare for in a month or so. What happens if I hit the woodshed a bit every single day?

This is what I'm working on right now. To take one step at a time, intentionally. I need to forget getting the perfect plan for every week. It's more important to execute an imperfect but OK plan than it is to have a perfect plan and not execute anything.

For the upcoming grants, my attitude is "let me just throw some words together on the page that, while they may be imperfect, have my gusto and passion behind them." Might as well be damn interested in what I'm proposing. For the CAREER 1st attempt: I have a feeling what the panel will say. I don't care. I'm interested in this idea and want to see where it goes.

I'm at my best when I forget myself. When I forget about thinking about concentrating and just dissolve - without thinking. Whatever it takes to get into the groove.

April 14

It is not enough to talk like a future MacArthur fellow; you need to be inspired like a future MacArthur fellow. They are passionate people. They pour themselves into their craft and spend years honing it, not for no reason.

It's worth asking the question: what inspires me? 

I've had a couple of Eureka moments so far as a faculty. Seeing the TiO2/Au particles swim for the first time. Seeing the Ni layer appear on the piece of gold foil. And now, I can add getting my first paper on work done as an independent faculty accepted.

I want to cultivate more beginner's mind. I want to speak from an inspired place more often.

Yes. It's good to speak well and be articulate and cut down on "umms." But the soul has to be in it at the same time.

April 13

 I hate when we have these fights.

I have really been spread thin over the past few days. Over the weekend, we didn't sleep very well because Agnes kept rampaging through the house at 5 AM. I had way too much stuff to do over the weekend because I'm getting ready for an NSF panel (5 proposals) and a mock NSF CAREER panel (4 proposals) and everything was due the same day (yesterday). I also have a proposal of my own due on Friday. Yesterday (Monday), I was all over the place, going to Fairfax to get a package and then the lab and then my office, trying to get it all done. On top of that, we have 5 figures' worth of taxes to pay this year and we're still figuring out how we're going to do it.

I had another frazzled day today. I checked in on Shrishti because I was worried she would injure herself in the lab. I taught two classes. I reviewed 3 CAREER proposals, which was over three hours of work. 

I had the "do not disturb" sign on my office door, and Jayme came in anyway after knocking. That was OK. I wanted to see her and talk to her briefly, and maybe chat a little bit about the proposals I was reviewing. But we kept chatting. And eventually I grew physically uncomfortable (kind of like when we were watching In Bruges at Dad's house way back when). I was just on the cusp of submitting my proposal reviews. I didn't know where to say it, but when she was talking about something related to Natalie's grades in school I must have raised my hands slightly and hinted that I wanted to finish. 

"You've got work you need to finish. I'm sorry," she said and was immediately *incredibly* sad and embarrassed. That made *me* stressed even more, and I said so.

And then things snowballed out of control. She said I seemed "exasperated" with her because of the way I positioned my hands. If I was so exasperated, why did I talk to her for a few minutes after she came in through a DND sign? And under the circumstances, don't I have a right to be a little annoyed?

The thing I want her to understand is that I am under tremendous pressure to get research results and publish papers and win $1029481029375 in grant funding, and I don't think she fully appreciates how hard this all is and how much I really do in a day. This is difficult enough on its own, but the last 3 years, laden with layers of guilt about her situation, have made it harder. She is extremely good at making me feel guilty about her suffering. Part of that's on me. I am a very courteous, respectful person who cares for others. To a fault sometimes.

We are both super frazzled right now. Calming down with a beer or two. We will get through this, but this was surely an infuriating thing. I'm mad at her, also a bit mad at myself for whatever part I may have played in things getting out of hand. Sometimes when I'm really stressed out I snap in this sort of way.

April 7 accountability

Today I woke up around 8:30 and had breakfast. I sent a few emails at home and went to the lab. Did a bit of good work with Garrett in the lab, but got an unusual result with the experiment. More research is needed.

Good research meetings today with the Conafay Group and with Remi. 

I wrote for 1:32 today, and I think I did well - I finished the edits to the response document and significantly improved it. 

Was able to write down some cogent arguments for the first proposal review I did. Trailed off a bit at the end there though, and slipped away into various indulgences. Need to be better about doing this work earlier in the day in the future.

I've been implementing gradatim ferociter in the lab experiments and been pretty happy with it. I look forward to continuing and experimenting with this technique in the coming days.

March 27

I can feel my confidence growing. I can feel myself digging deeper and standing up for what I believe in more firmly.

An example would be Friday morning's faculty meeting. Something emboldened me to speak up in the first place - I felt a small extra jolt of energy coming from somewhere. Something that said, in some sort of terms, "go for broke." I ended up making important points at the meeting related to whether we can have an extra year on our tenure clock (which seemed to catch Ariela off guard, but for which I was commended afterward by both Ali and Erik). 

Another example: group meeting on Wednesday. I had a good back-and-forth with Shrishti about the issues she's facing in her research.

I'm starting to realize that when you're the leader, people want you to be yourself. People want unambiguous instructions they can follow. Some spontaneity is necessary. Kind of like Kerry Ann says - you have to trust that you will have something relevant to contribute extemporaneously.

I will lead myself firmly over the next three weeks as I have a lot of shit going on. I will get it all done. NSF panel. Mock CAREER panel. Proposal submission. Ira Glass's quote on creative work is going to propel me through the next few weeks.

March 13

A few thoughts from today + yesterday:

• When playing bass, I had the thought "just play something straightforward that unambiguously gets the job done." So I played some simple licks. Sometimes that's all you need to do.
• Being well in the bedroom is a mental game as much as anything.  I need to give myself a lot of slack for this, along with everything else in my life right now, just because of the pandemic and how it's affected us. I do still love Jayme, but sometimes things have gotten weird and awkward between us in ways I didn't expect when we got married. Funny how being with someone you know so well can still be that way.
• I need to start keeping a gratitude journal. 
• What if I truly gave up fretting about what will happen to the next grant proposal, the next paper submission, even my renewal or tenure case? 

Beginning a running list of things in a life I love:

• Being an unadulterated version of myself. A la long-haired Colombian guy and Jose Andres.
• Developing technologies and doing science that directly benefits humanity.
• More to come later...

March 2

Good past few days. Glad to get things going in the bedroom again. It was a good weekend.

It's too damn late again. Why can't I get myself to bed earlier?

I need to get over my fear of hard work. The first step is to acknowledge it for exactly what it is and move on from there. Just like the iFit trainer said in today's ride on Maui: put in an honest effort.

Things are getting better.

Gradatim ferociter.

February 23

We have been dealt a tough hand. Starting a research group is hard without a reliable set of group members from whom to choose. 

Times are difficult for J and me and the rest of us right now. Many people have it much worse than we do. But it's still tough. Highlight of the day: when I said "sweeping pills" and we had a good laugh. That broke the somewhat tense air that was there before.

I feel like I'm continually trying to get started on getting my research program when something comes up. The Amir debacle. The humidity issue. Shrishti's mental health and physical health challenges. COVID. The PhD program getting rejected...again. 

But I'm not stopping. I will adapt and recover and move on. I will refocus my energies on cranking out as many "good-enough" proposals as I possibly can, with a focus on projects that could support Bioengineering PhD students. I will attend all the grant writing webinars I can. 

This week's exercise of tracking my time has shown me that I spend, max, about 2 hours a day in the zone. What could I do if I doubled that number? 

I will cultivate the killer instinct. I will reread Tenure Hacks. I will use this year (and it could be a crucial extra year) to get on track. As Pawel put it on a Skype call a while ago, I'm effectively midway through my second year as a faculty.

February 19

Today was a mixed bag. At times it was good - had a decently good therapy session. I need to lower the pressure on myself. Panda was delicious. Free Starbucks is nice. Chatted with Erik about an important topic. Disappointing lack of productivity in the SciTech office though.

Had a wonderful chat with Althea and Alec (sp?) - these are the kinds of people I would envision chatting with late into the night at a cafe in Morocco, before going off to listen to Vincent Segal and Ballake Sissoko play. Chatting by video chat is good, we had a good experience, but it's at best an incomplete substitute. COVID has robbed us of rich social experiences. 

Lesson learned: just because I am successful at braindumping everything I need to do doesn't mean I will accomplish all of it. I must get better at finishing. I must get better at biting off a good size portion so I am not left with too much to chew. I need to be ruthless about eliminating distractions and focusing.

This weekend, I plan to do the following:

• ME 221 asynchronous lectures
• 1-2 pure substance examples
• Heat and work transfers
• Call Shari's Berries
• Fill out Shannon's thing
• Revise Nanci's article
• Email Remi, send J-agg paper, check in about the DNA nanoswimmers. Has he been able to fabricate them yet?
• Play bass

If I have time, I will record additional lectures on the First Law and transient heat conduction. 

February 5

Again, thank you Klemens. Thank you Matthias. Thank you Vulf. 

I started today with a graduate committee meeting with colleagues. And I had a kind of gruff demeanor...more than I typically do. This is because Bob Handler has been on my nerves lately, and it forced me to steel myself for the meeting to make sure I wouldn't take any of his crap. And as a result, I was more assertive in the meeting. I commanded the attention of the others in the meeting (or at least I think I did). I need to find a healthy way to trigger this feeling. I also need to quit while I'm ahead when speaking - that's something else I did during this meeting that seemed to work well. Another thing was to stand my ground, figuratively speaking, when arguing a point. I'll get there.

Had a promising meeting with the NIBIB PM. Afterward, Remi said "we're onto something!" or something of that nature. Let's try the experiment.

Finished by emailing back and forth with Shrishti. She seems as normal as anyone can be through email. Next week I'm going to show her the Jeff that was on the call earlier today. No wishy-washiness. I am concerned for her mental health, but we also have a PhD to do.

Maybe Laurie N-F was right. Maybe I need to speak to myself more positively. But I also need to be alerted. External catalysts seem to work the best. So maybe it's time I intentionally expose myself to them and/or think about them to start the day in the right frame of mind.

February 2, part 2

Thank you, once again, Joe, Theo, Jack, Woody, et al. for reminding me what happiness is and that it is available to me in this very moment.

No matter what is going on in my life, I hear this music and I am propelled forward. Tomorrow I will forge ahead with renewed vigor.

Gradatim ferociter.

February 2

Woke up today to some good news: my paper was accepted in Sci. Rep.! As a result, I feel slightly less neurotic about my renewal case. 

Regarding renewal, I can't shake the feeling that I could have done more over the past three years. I could have submitted more proposals. I could have more vigorously kept Shrishti focused on her thesis work. To this day, I'm still not completely sure how she ended up spearheading the J-aggs project when she is not Remi's student. There are intervening factors: COVID. Shrishti's mental health. The fact that my lab was not operational when Shrishti joined in August 2018. I did what I did, and we are still here. That's going to have to be that. 

I am excited to have four unfettered hours to write tomorrow morning. I am a professor at an R1 university. I often ask myself, "What would a tenured professor do?" A tenured professor would know how to capitalize on a morning free of obligations and make the most of it. I will use that time to get through the backlog of writing projects I have.

February 1

I had a tough day today, but altogether a productive one. I met with Pawel and Anirban and we decided to submit to J. Appl. Phys. I don't know why two different journals don't want this paper. It's frustrating. But I'm glad I stuck to my guns and pushed for J. Appl. Phys. rather than Phys. Fluids since I'm not sure the latter is the best fit for this work. 

Had a tough conversation with Shrishti. It felt at times like I am giving myself advice. Comparisons are odious. The only thing that matters is, "am I doing what I need to be doing today to get myself to where I need to be?" 

She said I seem like someone who reacts in the moment (or something of that nature, drawing a contrast with herself, who is more focused on planning long-term). I'm not sure how to react to that. I will try not to take it as a value judgment. But I intend to lean into it, and use it as fuel to make myself a better advisor. Criticism is good if it enables me to make a positive change. I tried to do that tonight by sending her a template for a strategic plan. I tried to do that by having a weekly one-on-one with Shrishti. I'm trying.

I continued and finished the Specific Aims page for the proposal Remi and I want to write on DNA nanoswimmers and sent it to the Program Manager. I really hope we get a positive endorsement on this work soon. This is the kind of proposal I am excited to write.

Past 1 AM now, time to get some sleep.

January 31

Matthias and Klemens, danke schoen for existing. Your music fills me with joy, and inspires me to do wonderful and amazing things with my life the way you guys do. You guys give me a sense of what is possible.

Kobe Bryant was recorded as saying: "The greatest fear you face is yourself because we all have dreams, and it's very scary sometimes to accept the dream that you have. And it's scarier still to say, " I want that." It's scary because you're afraid that if you put your heart and soul into it, and you fail, then how are you going to feel about yourself? So, being fearless means putting yourself out there and going for it. No matter what, go for it. Not for anybody else, but for yourself."

This quote touched on something I felt when I started at MIT. I was afraid of giving it my all. Sometimes I still am. But I did not come this far to come only this far. I am going to close my laptop and go to sleep.

When I get up, it's on. It's time to visualize doing the wonderful things with Shrishti's project, the heat transfer enhancement project, and all the others. And then execute with everything in the service of making that vision a reality. I will take concrete steps every day toward creating a thriving research group.

Gradatim ferociter.

Step by step, ferociously.

January 30

A few things I took away from today:

1. Improvising: don't think too much about it. Just go. Let your emotions speak through the bass.
2. Default toward finishing.
3. How can I make my country a better place? By making my neighborhood a better place. Volunteer to pack meals with NAACP. Mentor a troubled teen.

Consolidating a few of my previous thoughts:

1. When he did an AMA on Reddit, dancing Matt's handle was "BadDancer." This suggested to me that his philosophy is to embrace the "badness" and dance anyway. I can apply this toward research, and embrace that my ideas may not be Nobel-winning, but that I should honor them and try them anyway.
2. I want to foster a culture in my research group where the desired behaviors are the normal behaviors. Read the literature. Be respectful. Et cetera.
3. This year, I want to read about great examples of leadership. I want to become a true leader in my life.
4. What would a future tenured professor do?

January 25

I came up short so far.

I want to be as honest as possible right now. I could have done more. I could have applied myself to get my lab equipment purchased and set up. Others worked faster than I did. Remi had an advantage, yes - he had a semester off from teaching. He had a bigger startup. His department has more research infrastructure. But I hold myself to a high standard, and I still think I could have done more. 

I could have taught myself MD. I could have gotten to work sooner on the chemokinesis stuff.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

It's important to acknowledge this, and going forward, I will do better than before.

But I must move on now. 

Now is not the time to look back and ask what might have been. Now is my time to see what can be. I will do my best to manufacture rods on Wednesday, depending on what Dmitri says. I will do my level best to teach the wains thermodynamics and heat transfer. And I will forge a path forward amidst the uncertainty, as I advised Shrishti to do today.

week in review: Jan 18

These were my research + writing goals for the week.

• Dossier due COB Friday, 1/22
• Last training
• Funding reconciliation
• Teaching statement
• Research statement
• Updated CV
• Luyang’s paper draft to Wei by Thursday, 1/21
• Finalize, submit AHTF paper
• Edit J-agg paper, submit draft to bioRxiv
• Bioengineering open house, Thursday 1/21 @ 1 pm 
• Send slides to Parag by Wed evening, 10 pm
• Reschedule call with InRedox for 1pm Wed, 1/27
• Do you have standard recipes for the plating solutions for Ni and Fe, or should we follow the literature? (Send paper we’re planning to follow)
• Any tips on handling the membranes? Concerned especially about removing the Au layer without damaging the rods. Should we use sandpaper or chemically etch?
• How to avoid oxidation of Fe nanorods + electrolytes
• Does the pH matter? Should we adjust it to a certain amount?
• Figure out how to spend OSCAR $$
• SA for NIH DNA NPs proposal
• Review IPF SA page drafted by Luis, meet on Thursday (met on Saturday)

Important other stuff

• Blackboard paint (bought by JK)
• Lapel mic
• Request a no-cost extension to NSF EAGER
• Ask Ying Sun about NSF REU supplement
• (if no) Hire Garrett as wage employee
• Migrate website
• Get bike fixed
• Bull Run Bicycles, 10458 Dumfries Rd, Manassas, VA 20110
• Review 4-VA abstract for POH, set up Zoom meeting poll, + ask about budget remaining
• Discuss a 4-VA “seminar schedule” – do we have a critical mass of speakers?
• Zach Pirtle
• Rich Kauzlarich
• Yi-Ching
• Post to FSP: 
• Work hard!
• Search more systematically for funding opportunities. Leave no stone unturned – search for 15 minutes every single day.
• Learn to keep impostor syndrome in check. This has been on my mind for way too long

Take-aways:

• The dossier took a lot longer than I expected/hoped, but I got it done late Sat night.
• For some reason, I have this reluctance to ask for the REU supplement or EAGER extension. I need to overcome that this week.
• There are a bunch of technical kinks I still need to work out for the lectures. How is my audio going to be connected to the video-taking device? Where is the camera going to go? Will it work if it's just my phone? I need to do some test runs, probably next weekend.
• I'm glad Ben suggested the blackboard paint.
• I need to get to bed earlier at night. Take the pill, read a book, go to bed. End of story.

January 23

1. Vulfpeck is giving me life right now. They are so good.

2. A thing I learned this week: part of being a leader is being definite. Make definite assertions and speak from the heart. I need to learn to get past that little bit of uncertainty I sometimes feel. 

3. When I think that I am someone who can appreciate Vulfpeck and the Helmholtz-Smoluchowski equation, I truly feel lucky to be me.

Week in review

At the beginning of this week, these are the objectives and to-do items I set out for myself:

• Resubmit chemokinesis manuscript
• Edit Luyang's paper
• Renewal dossier progress
• Email Terri to request funding reconciliation
• Send Bob doc on how we want admit process to work in next 2 years
• Submit PR Research review
• Check on 4-VA students
• MRI: 1 sentence on nanomotors
• Look into getting Garrett hired as a wage employee
• Check ingredients for nanorod synthesis
• Edit J-agg paper
• Edit latest AHTF paper from Anirban
• IPF meeting
• Order any remaining materials necessary
• Options for prelim measurements
• Plans for R15
• Read Brendon's paper
• Sign up for MITx
• Follow up w/Damon from UBC
• Bug Bren
• Ask Ying Sun about REU supplement
• No-cost extension
• Nail down a time for InRedox tutorial
• Submit LOR for Moises for CSGF
• Respond to Bob H/Suddaf email about Salesforce
• Update lab website
• Yousef's email
• Check in w/Sajad
• Check in w/Zagros
• Finish unpacking the house
• Ewan Dobson PDF?
• Whiteboard paint
• Micromachines invited paper

Could've been worse, could've been better. I didn't necessarily expect to get every single item on that list done - that's the point of the brain dump. 

Some take-aways:

1. I got the most important thing done: resubmitted the chemokinesis paper.
2. I took some initial steps toward good habits. I successfully abstained from alcohol for two days straight. Several nights, I got to bed earlier than usual (around midnight). I also got up earlier several mornings. I meditated for 10 minutes 2-3 days straight.
3. The writing retreat was largely a success. I need to make it a habit to participate in the Friday sessions going forward.
4. Generally, the strategy of writing out the "essential items" each day seems to be working well.
5. Small, subtle changes to make
1. Get started at 9 am every morning.
2. Add 1 day of weight training
3. Check email 3x a day

January 15

This was a productive week.

A few observations:

• Creativity is encouraged when you remember there are absolutely no rules.
• No matter where I am or what I am doing, music heals me.
• I'm the anchor of Sports Night. Somehow, some way, when I'm in that mode, I function the way I'm meant to.
• How does one cultivate confidence? By successfully surviving a risk.
• I will unleash a flood of publications and grant proposals this year. This is the time to go balls to the wall.

January 9

Just had a deep technical conversation with Phil about the paper we're working on. I just want to mention how good I feel after this. I need to remember that, amidst all the other crap I have to put up with and deal with in this job, getting to dive deep into the science is fun. As Cal Newport quoted in Deep Work, "A deep life is a good life."

January 8

I don't have the energy to write about the riot that happened this week. Suffice to say it's awful and predictable. There've already been plenty of words written about that. So I'll write about things in my life at the moment. And given the various anecdotes I've heard about today, I am keen not to underestimate people's ability to be (a) awful and (b) wonderful to each other.

I had a good therapy session today. We got into why I might have feelings of impostor syndrome as I often do. We talked about avoiding checking Twitter late into the night, as I just did just now. So I've got some work to do on that one. We dug a bit into where these feelings of inadequacy come from. Which is a bit of a mystery - but there is something interesting about the fact that I am now doing science and fluid mechanics, despite having done poorly in these subjects at least at one point before.

I just want to build a good work habit and get some stuff done. That's what I really want to do. I know I'm lucky to be in this position and I want to do some good with it. I don't think I'm the best qualified person for the job - perhaps that's the impostor syndrome, fed by the memory of my "F" in science in 7th grade and my "C" in fluid mechanics in college - but I know a thing or two about what I'm doing. And I'm not satisfied with how things have gone so far.

It starts with building habits. For keeps and for real this time. Let me be diligent. Let me produce an enormous body of work in 2021.  

January 4

I think a lot of the advice I've seen and identified with can be condensed into two words: be prolific. I tip my cap to people like Isaac Asimov, Cory Wong, and others who continuously crank out content. I aspire to be like Corin Tellado or Agatha Christie. Not all the work is going to come out the way you want it. Maybe even most of it won't. But, as I'm increasingly learning, it's a numbers game. Slowly I am drifting across the spectrum from the elephant to the seahorse approach. 

If I make a commitment, tonight, to make this my most prolific year yet, how might that go?

I can certainly write *something* for the NSF CAREER award proposal. Maybe it won't be very good. Maybe it will. 

I can pump out at least 5-6 manuscripts and get them submitted. Maybe they'll be accepted. Maybe not all of them will. It might take a while. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance was rejected over 100 times before it was published, or so I recall reading.

I remember while I was playing the other night, I seemed to find my groove when I loosened my touch a bit, not trying to judge what I was playing too much as I was playing it. Let that be a metaphor for my creative pursuits in 2021.

Might as well give it a try.

January 3

I talked to Cory Pesaturo today. He is a character. He reminds me that I am a character too, and that's as it should be. 

I like Karen Lewis's post on the FSP forums that talks about personal goals. To wit,

1. Read every night before bed. Tik Tok is not reading. Books are reading. : )

2. Volunteer at the Food Bank four times this month – first session is on Tuesday!

3. Thank myself each night for getting through another day during this time and show gratitude for this body that is carrying me through.

And that is what I feel in this moment: gratitude towards my body. If nothing else today, that is what I want to remember.

January 2

No matter what happens in the world, I will have the sound of Bartolomey & Bittmann, Vulfpeck, and the dudes covering the Samurai Champloo OST.

I will make music like this in 2021. Maybe with Daniel. Maybe on my own. Maybe with Cristian, Yana, Marty, et al. But it needs to happen, because that's what the world needs right now.

I will be more open and more myself, because that is how I will succeed in my job. By letting my true creative energy flow through me.

In 2021, I vow to:

(1) Always, always, always trust myself.

(2) Finish something every single week.

(3) Write something down every single day.