April 13

 I hate when we have these fights.

I have really been spread thin over the past few days. Over the weekend, we didn't sleep very well because Agnes kept rampaging through the house at 5 AM. I had way too much stuff to do over the weekend because I'm getting ready for an NSF panel (5 proposals) and a mock NSF CAREER panel (4 proposals) and everything was due the same day (yesterday). I also have a proposal of my own due on Friday. Yesterday (Monday), I was all over the place, going to Fairfax to get a package and then the lab and then my office, trying to get it all done. On top of that, we have 5 figures' worth of taxes to pay this year and we're still figuring out how we're going to do it.

I had another frazzled day today. I checked in on Shrishti because I was worried she would injure herself in the lab. I taught two classes. I reviewed 3 CAREER proposals, which was over three hours of work. 

I had the "do not disturb" sign on my office door, and Jayme came in anyway after knocking. That was OK. I wanted to see her and talk to her briefly, and maybe chat a little bit about the proposals I was reviewing. But we kept chatting. And eventually I grew physically uncomfortable (kind of like when we were watching In Bruges at Dad's house way back when). I was just on the cusp of submitting my proposal reviews. I didn't know where to say it, but when she was talking about something related to Natalie's grades in school I must have raised my hands slightly and hinted that I wanted to finish. 

"You've got work you need to finish. I'm sorry," she said and was immediately *incredibly* sad and embarrassed. That made *me* stressed even more, and I said so.

And then things snowballed out of control. She said I seemed "exasperated" with her because of the way I positioned my hands. If I was so exasperated, why did I talk to her for a few minutes after she came in through a DND sign? And under the circumstances, don't I have a right to be a little annoyed?

The thing I want her to understand is that I am under tremendous pressure to get research results and publish papers and win $1029481029375 in grant funding, and I don't think she fully appreciates how hard this all is and how much I really do in a day. This is difficult enough on its own, but the last 3 years, laden with layers of guilt about her situation, have made it harder. She is extremely good at making me feel guilty about her suffering. Part of that's on me. I am a very courteous, respectful person who cares for others. To a fault sometimes.

We are both super frazzled right now. Calming down with a beer or two. We will get through this, but this was surely an infuriating thing. I'm mad at her, also a bit mad at myself for whatever part I may have played in things getting out of hand. Sometimes when I'm really stressed out I snap in this sort of way.