December 27

It has been a good trip overall. I have gotten to relax, take some time to myself, swim fairly often, meet Pepper, and sleep a fair amount. (I can do a better job of that last one.)

In the two days that remain, I will treat myself well. I will get some exercise. I will do a strategic plan for spring 2023, so as to lay the foundation for a productive semester. I will take time every day to read. 

In 2023, I will pursue true truth. I will be truly open to new perspectives. I am an open-minded skeptic. 

Perhaps most importantly, I will embrace my leadership role. I will be a MFin' prince who will be the fucking department head one day. I will look like a leader and act like a leader. Like Prince Philip leading the coronation committee, like Queen Elizabeth II finding her voice in giving the ministers a dressing-down like children. I will be a lion for sticking up for myself. Because no one else will be. Because my voice matters.

My voice matters.

December 12

I sit here feeling good overall. Could use a little more sleep, but good. 

I just want to do good in the world. I'm inspired by the Indigo Traveller (NZ spelling). He has clearly put years of work in, and put his own life at risk, for his craft. And for a message of benevolence and curiosity about the world around us. I admire that. I aspire to that.

I want to do my part to make ICG J-aggregates into a viable photothermal therapy for cancer. I want to demonstrate enzyme-powered DNA nanoparticles that burrow into a biofilm, rendering it harmless. I want to make products that help people. 

I will let this vision carry me.

November 27

I can lament the fact that I haven't accomplished as much as I wanted to in the first ~5 years I've been at Mason. I could fret about the amount of things I have to get done this week. That would not get me anywhere. But worrying does not increase the likelihood that my paper will be accepted. 

I need to change my habits to heavily favor taking action. I need to start things, even when I don't feel ready to start them.

I have to start somewhere. It's like the guys in The Full Monty. Even if you start out with absolute shite, that's still something.

November 25

This has been one of the hardest months since I started at Mason. Between the drama at work and the drama at home, it has been a lot to absorb. I feel like we are getting to a good point though. We are heading in the right direction, amidst it all.

The lesson I'm taking away from this is that I have to be firm and self-confident. I need to trust my own voice, because it matters. The times when I feel most like myself are often the times when I'm going with my gut. It has taken the better part of 38 years to learn how to do that...to learn what "trusting my gut" even means in the first place. But no matter. 

People are doing wonderful things worldwide in music, science, etc. Now is my time to jump on those trains. 

November 1

It's late again, and I should be in bed. 

I declare my intent to lean into the challenge. I remember Phil always hoping there would be an exam. Always looking for another chance to excel. It's in his DNA. And mine too. I need to remember the personal statement I wrote for the NSF GRFP. I embrace challenge.

I am going to have a hard conversation tomorrow.

October 26

Tonight, I went to 2 Silos with Colin and had a couple of beers without eating anything to go along with it. I felt the effects once I got home. Sometimes, it is to my benefit to get a little buzzed. It gets me out of my own head. It allows me to bypass the inhibitions that, during normal everyday life, sometimes hold me back. I get bolder. I need more of that.

September 15

I'm tired. But want to record some positive developments from today.

First, while at lunch with J, I got to talking about the ways to make myself more productive. I said something to the effect of: "I need to remove the barriers to getting started as much as possible...and finish as much as possible!" It's a matter of recognizing that a lot of what you put out into the world isn't going to be perfect, and that's okay. The idea is that we'll get a lot better, faster, if we pump out some imperfect stuff, than if we obsess over small details and produce only a few things. I feel like I put those principles into action, to a limited extent, today. I took care of some small nagging things.

Second, I skimmed an interesting 2012 review in Science by Roman Stocker about bacteria mixing in the ocean. It's his most-cited paper. Interestingly, the subject of mixing by ocean bacteria is scarcely mentioned. And that reminded me of the AHTF project, and one of the myriad reasons I am interested in it. (along with the fact that John Dabiri, at least as of 2018, also did not know of any studies looking into micromixing of heat by bacteria). I wonder if I should reach out to Roman or to Anupam. The latter might be down to make this into a fun collaboration! 

Third, I read a fascinating paper on the use of PslGh and PelAh hydrolases to disrupt biofilms. I wonder if we could do better with DNA NPs. I was especially excited to see that this could conceivably help lower the cost of treating wounds. I wonder if GHs and DNANPs can be somehow made cheaply?

Fourth, I need to remember to schedule a time to do something (implementation intention), and then do it without making much fuss. Many things I could accomplish at 80% in the time that it takes to fuss about trying to do it at 100%.

I need to remember to spend most of my time and energy on what fascinates me.

September 14

Small changes. Slow moves. Anything worth having takes time.

Trying to have "big rebirths" has clearly not worked. I need to take a different strategy. To build solid habits that last. To do everything just a little bit better. That is the only way I'm going to make real progress.

It starts with getting organized. I need to formulate a realistic strategic plan for the rest of my tenure case. It is starting to take shape, but it needs serious work. 

Tomorrow, we begin.

September 2

I learned today that I can do well if I'm highly caffeinated. I was on point during a conversation I had with Lance and I think I represented myself well. We had an interesting conversation about ways to design a new type of needle that can draw a greater volume of liquid from a tumor microenvironment that is chock-full of EVs. He's going to add me to the letter of intent for the proposal that is due later this month.

I learned that (really, last week) that my bass chops are still good. I played damn well last week and I'm still feeling it.

In year 39, I must recommit myself to my research work. I need to pare down my obligations in projects I'm not interested in or that are not yielding anything tangible. The greatest portion of my energy needs to go into my group members: Shrishti, Sajad, Amit, and Joshua. At the same time, I must get ready for the DNA nanoswimmers project to begin. I've got a lot on my plate. 

I need to be organized. I need to be dedicated. I've learned that I must, must, must force myself to finish things. 

Ira Glass said, "Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you finish one story." What is going to be my finished product every week?

August 29

As I type, my ears are awash in the lush sounds of "From Gagarin's Point of View." 

I need to remind myself that at the end of the day, research is good fun. It allows me to indulge my morbid curiosity about the nature of things. 

I recommit myself to research. This semester I will focus my efforts on (1) getting Shrishti graduated, (2) experimental verification of the self-propelled nanofluid hypothesis, (3) developing the DNA nanoswimmers concept, (4) seeing if we can use magnetic microswimmers to penetrate lung tissue and make friends with macrophages.

June 24

From now on, when I reflect on mistakes I've made, I'm going to think: What can I learn from this? How does this help me in the present moment?

I had this thought about the sense of guilt I felt related to not having thanked the CHRB administrator for her message saying my grant had been renewed. I thought about it for a few days. Reflected on it. And eventually I came around to sending her an update email, asking whether they needed a 12-month interim report from me, and I tagged a "thank-you" note on at the end. I thought about it, and I did something about it.

Playing bass was really good tonight. It felt cathartic. I feel like I'm starting to get my chops back. I really like getting into this state where the only thing that matters in the world is the very next phrase I'm going to play. The phrase. Because that's when it feels natural and effortless.

More generally, I'm learning to settle into my own skin. In music, as detailed above. But also in science, as when I was working with Amit and Jorge today. It's a matter of leaning into the discomfort. 

June 10

I was hired in this job to be strong and put myself out there. I will be forceful.

let me continue to love the good and the true.

I shall renew my drive to treat my body well. Weights and cardio. Running. Orangetheory? And eating well. Let's make it happen.

May 29

It has been a rough month, between the shootings in Buffalo and Uvalde, finishing up the semester, Jayme's birthday, the party, the PRMRP proposal, and just trying to hold it all together.

I admitted tonight that I'm scared to go back and teach in person. I need to put these thoughts in another post. It's tough to face this all at once. The next time I teach in person, I will be ready.

A few thoughts:

1. I should get back into meditation. There's a temptation when I get up in the morning to get started with the day right away. I wonder if I would be a little more clear-minded if I gave myself a few minutes each morning to just be. Like I advised Amy Adams to do the other day. It might help me return to the "peace of mind" state I was able to attain when Mom was here. That is the right state to be in to do good work.
2. While practicing tonight, I had a thought: "Just string a few coherent phrases together. It's better to say something coherent, whatever is on the mind at the moment, without judging; just create." The same can be applied to doing creative work in the lab.
3. I felt good running today. It was nice to put sunscreen on, and feel a bit methodical while getting ready. It felt like I was giving my body the proper treatment. I need to reintegrate exercise into my daily routine, because I feel better in other areas of life when I do.
4. Now that it's summer, I need to have my morning routine down pat. I will make it a point to get up early, meditate, and write every single morning for an hour. No matter what, I will create something new, and it will be from my own heart and mind. It won't be the best stuff in the world at first. That's OK. The secret, I have a sneaking suspicion, is to just. keep. creating. I've been typing the Ira Glass quote a few times, but I haven't lived all the way up to it yet.

April 24

I admire people like Remi and Abhishek. They seem to have this PI thing figured out. I do not feel like I have it all figured out. Not by a long shot. And they probably have their issues as well. But it's hard when others show the absolute best version of themselves that they possibly can. This sort of thing is highly incentivized in academia, of course.

I need to make small, meaningful changes, and keep tabs on what works and what doesn't work. Starting this week. 

• Always write at the same times every day, week in, week out. Make focused writing a daily habit. 
• Put myself on a deadline so that at regular intervals, I have to produce a recognizable, concrete research product (presentation, white paper, pre-proposal, etc.) every month. I need to discuss what the best products are with my mentors.
• Order an espresso machine so I don't have to keep walking to the other building. 
• Bring my lunch 3 times a week during summer.
• Meet monthly with mentors (Leigh, George Hazelrigg, JDP...) Send them my strategic plan. 
  

Let's make it happen. 

April 13

Up way too late on a night before lecture. I will get to bed soon. 

A few good things I did today:

1. Meditated to begin the day. What if I did it for the next 21?
2. Looked through tunes in the Real Book to send to Dian for this mysterious gig coming up. Prompted by seeing "When I Fall In Love," accompanying the great Nat King Cole, and breaking down in tears. That was cathartic and it lowered my blood pressure. I went to campus relaxed and in a good spirit. 
3. Initiated a conversation with Allison about the AFM. 
4. Led the IPF meeting fairly well, I think. I remember feeling confident enough to ask the questions that were really vexing me. At one point I thought I was asking a dumb question, but Jorge said "that's a good question." Those are validating moments. 

Generally, I can feel myself getting more comfortable saying what I really feel and bringing the unvarnished truth. 

I need to build some momentum over a few days. I need to craft a realistic strategic plan for myself and send it to a few people for feedback. I must do this soon. I need to get on track so I can stop beating myself up about this. I will make it happen.

April 7

"You have to be confident." That's all the justification you need. It doesn't need to come from some deep place. This is where the phrase "fake it till you make it" comes from. It is real if you say it is.

Part of being confident is recognizing your good qualities and highlighting them. My attention to detail is better than most people I know.

I'm coming to realize Remi has no filter. A little blunt and rough around the edges at times. But maybe that's a good thing.

What if I truly did not care how others felt about me? What if I simply said exactly what I was thinking? Have I earned that right as a professor and PI, at least to some extent?

April 1

Good day today. I rose and had an easy morning for a change, eating my cereal, drinking coffee, doing the Wordle, reading HC Richardson's post. Bought >$60 worth of baked goods from Lemonade Bakery. It feels good to bring happiness to others. And that's what baked goods are.

Today I felt like I got "in the zone" with research. Probably what Remi feels like most days. This needs to be the default. I just need to get rollin'. Whatever greases the wheels. Whatever gets the juices flowing. I have to find that magic sauce and keep it in good supply.

Also, it felt good to play tonight. I'm finally beginning to get the Sarabande from Suite #1 under my fingers. The key was to watch the sheet music and focus on making the bowings come out right; the left-hand stuff took care of itself. 

Keep the balance.

March 22

Just get started.

Teaching once again got me in the right mood today. I felt good when I said to my wife's cousin "The longer I've been in research, the more comfortable I've been with looking like a complete fool by saying what I don't know." Einstein said "I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." (letter to Carl Seelig, 1952). I am not even going to think about comparing myself to him, but I can try to be passionately curious and see where it takes me. 

You have to let your curiosity overcome your fear of getting started. Begin before you feel ready.

March 17

Great visit to Denver. It did what it needed to do. Unfortunately, the feeling of calm always dissolves after a few days back at work. But maybe not this time. Maybe I can continue to recharge every weekend by talking to my parents, talking to my brother, playing music, meditating, and doing other non-work things.

I felt more confident to say what I truly felt today. I mainly noticed it when I was talking to Ardiana. And also when I had beers with Lee and Remi. Visiting home emboldens me, and I want to figure out how to stay emboldened long afterward. But on the other hand, traveling home should also remain special. 

I'm a little frustrated at how I spent my time this evening though.

No matter. All is fine now. I will get up again tomorrow and I will make a conscious effort to improve over today. I will be calm, set good goals for the day, and strive humbly to reach them.

March 6

I'm up too late on a Sunday night, once again.

A necessary weekend, overall. After Mike's murder last week, we are all shaken. In the immortal words of Bonobo (ft. Bajka), "Music is the healer, no matter who you are." 

I visited Nonie for the first time since the Before Times yesterday. Played with the fabulously talented Irene Jalenti. What a treat that was. Everything about that visit healed me. I want to remember chilling on the street in Bethesda before the gig, eating a piece of bread with chocolate and reading The Hobbit. I want to remember the conversations with Nonie's interesting friends and guests and her children. I want to remember the two-way communication and connection I had with Irene as we played. That fed me. 

And, of course, I want to remember belting out all the lyrics to The Blind Leaving the Blind. What a masterpiece that is. I want to remember how good I sounded, and how empowered I was after listening to it all the way through. Feeling heard boosts your confidence. Seeing what they have achieved pushes me to do more.

That continued tonight, as I listened to more of my new favorite jazz group, Foehn Trio. I think the word that best describes them is fresh. I haven't heard jazz that original and new and interesting and wonderful since I heard E.S.T. for the first time. 

I need to return to this article, this space. Let this be a reminder that my soul feels fed when I listen to groups like this, and when I play music with good people, for good people.

February 8

A smattering of thoughts:

1. I caught myself almost wavering to post a critical message on Bb about people doing other shit in class. But I stopped myself. "No. This is wrong and I'm going to take a stand about it." The same can be said for research. I need to stick up for my own ideas and fight for them. No one else is going to do that. Not even Remi. If I want DNA nanoswimmers to happen, I need to make them happen. If I want AHTF to happen, I need to make it happen. Noah not showing up to the lab won't stop me.
2. Also, WTF is up with Noah not showing up to lab? And not letting me know about it? That also needs to be called out and critiqued, appropriately.
3. I am converging on some useful mantras:
1. Eat the frog
2. Gradatim ferociter
3. Drawing without an eraser.

Onward.

February 6

1. Stay smitten. That is what will carry me through the next 3+ years. I had this thought last week upon realizing that the microfluidic setup Remi's capstone team is developing could also be adapted for use in the AHTF project. It propelled me forward. I still struggled to maintain focus after that. But I felt something stirring within me when I found that part out. Like we might have something here.
2. Also, after playing the gig at Truro today, I felt a sense of calm and equanimity. I've been thinking about how a leader should act. I think that showing calm in the face of adversity is a good start. A quiet sense of determination to get through difficult times. That, but also having a very low tolerance for bullshit. And ruthlessly calling it out when I see it. That's a critical part of good science. Remember De Magnete.
3. I remember watching a video (produced by Red Bull, no doubt) of some guys BASE jumping off some massive structure, I think somewhere in the Middle East. Right as they were about to fall, I remember one of them exuberantly doing pull-ups on the structure they were about to jump off of. Probably it was at least partially a way to let off some nervous energy that was building up in the guy's head. But it might also be a hint at the right attitude to take. While playing some bass tonight, I felt like my best playing tonight was when I imitated those jumpers. Although of course my life isn't on the line the way theirs was, I'm still in a somewhat risky situation, career-wise. Why not have fun with it? Why not get zany and bold and risk-taking? When you are willing to take risks and enjoy the ride along the way. 

This week, I will do some pull-ups.

January 20

Oof. That DOE grant was a huge effort. But it's done now. That is a load off. It has been a lovely evening of eating pasta, drinking Belgian and German beer, and watching GBBO. 

While playing bass guitar tonight, I just played what sounded good to me. Even if you don't play for 2, 3, 4, as many measures as you don't play, if you let that be your guiding light, you will end up playing what's in your head. It's easier to be creative when you don't fear other people's judgment or you don't feel pressured to come up with something really awesome. I should remember that. Music is just another way of speaking your truth.

Onward.

January 8

I will be a warrior in 2022. 

What other way to grow is there, besides being exactly who I am at this present moment? That is the only real way to truly grow into something better than I am. And every day of my life, I want to become better at my job, at being a husband, a musician, a human. 

I will let Remi push me, and I will push him as well. Started on a strong note with getting the Angewandte Chemie accepted. Might as well give the DOE ECRP a solid go.

I only get one chance, but once is enough.

• Triathlons.
• Lift weights.
• Art of Manliness podcasts.
• Speak French couramment avec Remi. Practice every day.
• Flight lessons with George.

As Professor Duckworth teaches us: Honest, genuine effort counts twice.