August 23

I am fucking inspired.

I'm not sure why, but I was compelled to search for the research thumbnails that the MIT NSE department posted to their YouTube channel a few years ago, particularly Scott Kemp's, because I liked the professorial way he said "I want to update you on..." It made the rest of what he had to say seem more interesting. Almost immediately I went down a rabbit hole of different videos. I saw a thumbnail that Artyom, one of Jacopo's students, recorded about his research on boosting CHF margins in LWRs after I left MIT, and it brought a smile to my face (I'm Facebook friends with his dad, Sergey!)

I watched the first few minutes of Mike Short's introductory lecture to 22.01, the introductory class to ionizing radiation that I audited a few times. I loved the way he absolutely hit the ground running with his class and got to talking about the content, in a compelling and exciting way, almost immediately.

I also watched some of Scott's talk at the APS March Meeting in 2019, which absolutely piqued my interest. 

All this increased my gratitude and wonderment at the fact that I have this job at all.

May I honor this gift that the universe has given me. May I use these videos as inspiration and fuel. For the critical ingredient, the sine qua non, is inspiration. It will propel me forward.

In this moment, more than in most recent moments, I know that this life is the life for me.

August 22

 I feel grateful to have my wife with me during these times. That's about all I am feeling right now.

August 20

I like being Jeff Moran. I would rather not be anyone else.

But sometimes it seems like it would be good to be Joe Dart. The fact that he played bass in Vulfpeck would have been enough. But then on a casual perusal of his Instagram account (which I have to do on my phone since Insta doesn't allow people without Insta accounts to view posts on the computer), I noticed a video clip about some group called "The Olllam." I was intrigued. I love Celtic music, and have ever since falling in love with Punch Brothers about a decade ago. It turns out Joe is their bass player, or at least has been accompanying them on their albums and tours, though he may not be an official member of the group.

What a life that must be. It's hard not to think "wow, if that were me, I would be deliriously happy."

And why shouldn't I shoot for that in my own life? 

I have it pretty damn good. I just got about $71k from NSF to pursue an idea that I think is cool. That's pretty damn awesome. And I'm going to keep going. Why not use Joe as an inspiration to push myself further? 

Play bass in a Celtic band myself?

To record the Bach inventions on the upright + electric basses, as I'd wanted to before?

To study chaotic dynamical systems, like Steve Brunton?

Let me seek what I seek, as they sought what they sought.

August 17

"To be a person of knowledge, one must be light and fluid."

Decent day back at work today.

I had a very productive few hours working at the FFX office. Didn't think too much about it. Just went to the main office, chatted with Ardiana. Stopped by Nathan's office and had an important conversation that led to him sharing the notes from 351 with me. And, of course, had a good Webex meeting with Remi's group and gave Shrishti some feedback on her presentation. I'm proud of her. 

Then I drove home and listened to a few tracks from Mr Finish Line, and felt a wonderful warm feeling of enjoyment. I remember thinking that different stuff makes different people come alive. For Preet Bharara, it's justice. For Remi, it's probably DNA nanoparticles. For me, it's a mix of things, and that's what I like about me.

I'm also proud of myself for working from 10:30ish until 2:15ish, and crossing some things off my to-do list.

Generally, I want to remember the feeling of being "light and fluid." I didn't think too much, I just did it. There isn't much to it in the end.

August 17

Short post today. 

From James Clear: 

"A few things you need to achieve exceptional results:

1) Quantity: You take lots of shots.

2) Quality: You take thoughtful shots.

3) Consistency: You keep shooting for a long time.

4) Feedback. You take better shots over time.

5) Luck: You get a few favorable bounces."

I have decided, in the spirit of the above (and previous posts on here), to submit 1 proposal or 1 paper per month, from here to renewal time. I hope to have some of all 5 of these along the way.

August 11

Today, after hearing more horror stories about how some people are currently suffering, I am grateful to simply be alive and healthy and able to see, hear, touch, taste, and smell. I must treasure my health.

"Your success in life will be determined largely by your ability to speak, your ability to write, and the quality of your ideas, in that order." - Patrick Henry Winston (1943-2019)

So let me get to doing more speaking and more writing.

August 10

Generally, I've had a decent day. Had some ups (nice run, yummy breakfast burrito + aglio e olio for dinner, discovering some truths about pancreatic cancer, listening to Cory Wong's latest album, Agnes attempting unsuccessfully to jump onto my journal on the desk), some downs (Bob refusing to share his notes with me for some odd reason), some in-betweens, but overall not so bad.

Cory Wong is a beast. 4 albums this year? It's not even September. Goes to show what one can achieve when one puts one's mind to things.

I'm legitimately excited to do microfluidics modeling in COMSOL again. I feel in my element.

James Altucher's spammy email of the day was entitled "All I want to do is play." It made me think: what is my ideal mix of play and work? What's the difference between the two anyway? I wonder how Cal Newport would square his "Don't follow your passion" advice with the quote from James Michener: “The master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his information and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him he's always doing both. ”

At least by their traditional definitions, my "work" is research, my "play" is either teaching or bass. But sometimes bass feels like work and sometimes (at the best times) research feels like play. Yet, I feel I do my best work in research when I'm a little stressed out, in a healthy way. So in a way, it's work that I feel a low barrier to get started doing; it doesn't quite feel like play. 

Inevitably, I'm going to need a mix of both.

I retire tonight motivated to put a little Cory Wong energy in my daily routine.

August 9 (copied from journal)

I need to stop writing about productivity and start being productive.

I know what I need to focus on.

August 8

Just discovered the videos of Steven Brunton, who is apparently a prof at the UW, and he got his PhD in 2012. 90 pubs. 3 books. h-index 40. PECASE. Essentially the dream career of an assistant prof.

I'm simultaneously jealous, inspired, and...I don't know what. But I know that this is the kind of professor I want to become. In the past, I would get down on myself about things like this. Would get on my own case, say that I made bad choices in college, that I should have taken my fellowship and gone elsewhere, but...all that shit is irrelevant. 

The point is: what am I going to do about it?

Am I going to continue to berate myself for not being more productive? Or, perhaps, can I harness the energy, motivation, and healthy stress from reading about the achievements of others, bring the blood flow to my brain, and channel it into my own work? 

I just want to do whatever I possibly can to bring the best out of myself. 

I make the conscious choice not to compare myself to anyone else anymore. I will simply seize this opportunity I have been given. I will put myself on a deadline so that every month, I will submit either one grant or one proposal or both. 

I will fight my way through. My hand on my heart. I promise.

August 6

I had a good moment today.

I was chatting with Matthew Tao, a recent Purdue ME graduate who's about to commence his graduate studies at UC-Berkeley. I've had on-off experiences with research meetings lately. Not sure what it is. But prior to this meeting, I thought "just let me sink into the discussion." 

The meeting with Matt was one of the instances when I said to myself "there's not a thing I would change about that." I just talked science. We got into the weeds. I solved an issue he was having, and that made me feel good about myself. We often say those words in jest, or we only say that when we're being facetious. But it's good to feed good about yourself sometimes. By definition, it feels good.

It felt like this job was fun. It felt like maybe, just maybe, this could end up being worth it.

I need to figure out how to cultivate this attitude in myself. Not going to put huge pressure on. Just need to put myself in more situations where the ideas just flow freely. I think it largely boils down to trusting my own instincts and abilities, and letting them guide me.

Let me sink into tomorrow.

August 5

Feeling a little lethargic this afternoon. I just didn't feel motivated to work. I guess that happens sometimes. My head has cobwebs sometimes. 

With everything that I know about myself, what can I do to make myself better?

I can be honest. 

As James Altucher suggests, at least I don't have to deal with the fallout from bring dishonest. It's hard enough to live one life, let alone a double life.

I close my eyes and I have this vision of myself achieving things, living my life as I was meant to live it, and being myself, being kind, unpretentious, through it all. I play more musically when I look away from my bass.

I shall bring a spirit of curiosity and a simple wish to make things better for others and for the world.

I will create more things. I will make the video of myself accompanying myself on the Bach 2-part inventions. I will compose a song or two about fluid dynamics, or whatever else speaks to me.

Let me approach the oncoming day anew.

August 4

Going through the "10 steps" morning routine did not necessarily a productive day make. I need to focus on getting through those things more quickly, I think.

I desperately want Joe Biden to win the election and for this to be over. The hard thing is that I don't know how to best ensure that a peaceful transition of power will happen. I see these op-eds proposing that Trump might resign, and I can't help thinking that is wishful thinking. I need to be prepared for all possibilities.

August 3

1. Vigorous walks in the morning = good.

2. Listening to the rest of Preet's podcast, and feeling the precise alignment of words and thoughts. Listening to good communicators makes me more in the mood to communicate.

3. Every drop of rain adds to the ocean. When you have 5 free minutes, write for 5 minutes rather than jerking around on LinkedIn, email, etc.

4. I don't feel an urge to check Twitter anymore. Social media is funny in that, when you're under its spell, it can be incredibly addictive, and when you aren't, it is not addictive at all. It goes to show how unnatural it is, and how little we actually need it.

August 2

Live strongly. I feel an urge to be strong, but fair and just. The president of Columbia University, in excoriating the president of Iran, seemed to embody this (perhaps he felt more compelled to do so because of all the criticism he took for inviting Ahmadinejad, but anyway). So does the commentator Mehdi Hasan. This is really a version of the "live Strong" movement started by Vlance Armstrength (see how that turned out). But there are good aspects to it.

Make definite assertions.

August 1

A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble. - Gandhi

Act like the elder.