December 19

A few months to go before I submit my dossier.

Listening to Arctic Monkeys reminds me of the time I spent in Italy. Wonderful trip. Let me make something out of that conference presentation.

I need to pick the five papers that represent my best work. I need to have 5 rock solid items.

1. CoffeeBots is the one no-brainer.
2. Chemokinesis is a likely one. It's a neat piece of work that I can tie directly into the Trailblazer work. It's a distinct possibility.
3. The other ones are tough. I would very, very much like to include the follow-up experimental paper on AHTF here. 
4. It would be nice to also include either the AOPs work, since I originated that project in David Warsinger's parents' living room/kitchen, or something on the IPF work that involves microswimmers. 
5. Maybe something with Sajad as well. Either the J. Mol. Liq. paper or, ideally, the follow-up one on the novel data center design concept.

Make the 80% of days the ones you get to work on time and put in an honest day's labor. 

November 4

Quick post tonight to say that I have a fire in my belly. 

Laurie said something last week that inspired me. "You don't have kids." As a way of saying "what are you waiting for?"

I wish to honor my true self. All the past few weeks, months, and years are coming down to this. May I lose the fear of looking foolish. May I embrace the confidence of Paul Hollywood and Arnold Schwarzenegger. May I take good care of myself and make things better for others who are suffering in the world. May I read widely, curiously, carefully, critically (including Arnold's new book). There is plenty of work to be done.

Let me live like my life depends on it.

October 21

A month later than my previous post, I look back fondly on the trip to Italy. I feel that I did indeed get some good recharging in. With J gone since the 11th, I've enjoyed having the house (and my schedule) to myself. It's good to do once in a while. I've gotten to play a bunch of gigs, netting myself some extra cash. I've gotten to get some exercise. And the CoffeeBots paper was accepted!

Had a gig with Peter and Tom at LACH this evening. We sounded especially good during the first set tonight. I'm pleased with my playing. Take-aways:

1) Try to listen to how the whole group sounds. Is it what we want people to be hearing? In this particular case, we wanted coffeehouse jazz: smooth, but with a spring in its step.

2) Wearing the hat made me bolder and more confident. I need to do things that get me in that mode.

3) Connected with #1 and #2, I thought a bit less than normal about my solo ideas, and they just came. Naturally.

Tomorrow, I have the privilege of the day to myself. May I use it well, and do the work I need to do and also get some time to truly recharge my body, mind, and soul.

September 22

Here I am on the opposite side of the earth from where I usually am. I have the treasure of two unfettered days in the Murano and Venice regions to myself. May I use them to recharge.

A note of inspiration tonight came from Arctic Monkeys. They make me want to work hard and always stay true to myself. I visualize myself giving my own P&T seminar in about a year's time. May I speak from a place of deep ambition and proudly display my life's work up to that point. May I put in the work that Alex Turner et al. undoubtedly put into their music. 

May I do myself justice.

August 14

Once again, summer has blown by. It was reasonably productive for me - I got some papers submitted (and resubmitted), and also submitted the CAREER. I visited Seattle, Charlottesville, and Denver. Things were not perfect; I let work creep in when it shouldn't have. I didn't start planning my course until very recently. But I've also had some good moments. 

In any case, I am here and it is now. I sit on the cusp of my final full year on the tenure track before I need to submit my package. In some ways, I've been more successful than I thought I would be, especially in getting grant funding. In other ways, I have not quite gotten where I want to be yet, especially in publishing papers that I am leading. That has proven to be difficult.

So I will just lay it all on the line this school year. I am going to get started soon, and submit at least 4 papers before the year's end. Especially in (1) IPF, (2) AHTF, (3) DNA nanoswimmers. This will get me started toward my life's work: to use my scientific training and intelligence to develop engineering solutions that help us address climate change and disease.

I pledge to start an aggregation of small improvements. Starting with writing from 9-10 in the morning, every day, during the school year. No phone. Door closed. No email. 

June 28

I am on the right track now. It helped to have Nathan pay us a visit last weekend. He had a positive influence on me when we lived together that lives on to this day. It was good to be reminded of that.

Being "stoic" is not always good. But sometimes it is what I need. At least, that's my conception of stoicism. Probably a distortion of the way the stoic philosophers originally formulated it. It's a bit like McConaughey's "less impressed, more involved" philosophy. It's about being level-headed and calm.

That led me to some good places today. I feel like I handled the usual business of the day more assertively than I have before. I beat myself up less. I built myself up more. I apologized less for small things. I thought before I spoke.

I think it's not unrelated that, while swimming yesterday, I had the thought to start going to bed and getting up earlier. To swim long course at least once before its availability ends on July 26. To go back to Orangetheory. To eat better. To drink alcohol sparingly. I can gain a greater appreciation for my body. My mind will be unshakeable. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent.

May 8

A quick note tonight: I was reminded, when posting a message on the FSP website, that I am damn lucky to be in this position. 

I will never take this privilege for granted. I will work hard and be nice to people on my way.

I will make a realistic, but ambitious, strategic plan to get myself to tenure and beyond. "Beyond" matters. Because tenure is just one waypoint on a long career journey that lies ahead. It is just one intermediate objective.

May 6

*Another* mass shooting. Maybe the country has become desensitized to this sort of violence by now, but for some reason this one hit me. This keeps happening in this country. 

I am pragmatic, in a sense, about this issue. There are more guns than people in this country. I don't see any repeal of the Second Amendment happening anytime soon, even though I don't think the conditions that led to the adoption of the Second Amendment in the late 18th century exist today. Yes, we used our guns to fight the British, and yes, perhaps a "well-regulated militia" was a necessity then. But it's not the 18th century anymore. But nevertheless, I get it. We're obsessed with guns as a country. So, to some degree, we have to learn to live with the number of guns in America.

We should also ask what is compelling people to use these guns so much in the first place. What is compelling people to buy so many guns? Is it a fetish? Is it paranoia? And once you have one, are you somehow more geared towards using it? Is there something about simply having a gun at your disposal that, inherently, makes you want to use it? I have considered buying a gun for myself before, but have resisted, partly for this very reason. I should raise this issue with Ben tomorrow, if I can.

Other than that, it's been a wonderful Saturday. A normal Saturday. Had a nitro. Drove to get my bass repaired, and got to take a bunch of different basses for a spin. Lunch at Caboose. Haircut. B-day shopping for J. A bit of work. A lovely evening with my wife. I want to savor and acknowledge on this blog the gratitude and satisfaction I got from today. I am home, safe and comfortable, pleasantly drowsy. There are 8 people who can no longer say the same. I do not take this for granted. 

I am saddened by the tragedy in Texas, but I cannot let it overshadow the rest of today. I will acknowledge it, and acknowledge the need to be more involved politically to reduce gun violence in whatever way saves lives. But I also want to give myself credit for putting myself out there today. I remember writing a note to myself many years ago that said something like "Take f***ing risks. Enough said." I remember the surety I felt when I wrote that. At age 38, I am still learning. In the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, I need to find ways to do that. Set myself a deadline to do something out of my comfort zone at least once a week. 

As Anaïs Nin put it, "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." 

May 5

I'm up later than I probably should be. I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow...but I also like that part a bit. I like a good weekend drive. 

I need to make a strategic plan from now until tenure time. Break it into large chunks - this summer, for instance, I need to develop my microfluidics class, submit a few proposals (BOR with Pei, NSF CAREER, NSF photonics w/Remi), submit several papers, etc.

I commit, here and now, to putting in the work to earn tenure. Go.

April 26

"So good they can't ignore you."

I cultivated a good mindset while swimming in the pool today. The basic idea is to not apologize for who I am, not to shrink myself to fit others' expectations. I have a right to be here. 

I'm having trouble recalling the specifics at the moment. I may need to come back to this entry. But the main feeling was self-assuredness and confidence. I am building those. Not necessarily talking over people, but interjecting when necessary. Whatever it takes to make my voice heard.

This also showed up a few times when I spoke from my gut a few times today. 

I now need to set my sights on tenure. I need to start acting, today, the way that a tenured professor would act. What if I set myself the goal of submitting 10 papers in 2023?

March 27

“I really want everyone to know, especially young people, that the hundreds or thousands of dumb ideas that I’ve had have led me to my good ideas,” Taylor Swift said. “You have to give yourself permission to fail.” She continued:

        “I try as hard as I can not to fail 'cause it's embarrassing, but I do give myself permission to, and you         should too. So go easy on yourselves, and make the right choices that feel right for you, and someday         someone might think that you’ve been innovative. Thank you so much for this.”

Tonight I've had to work my way through some awkward thoughts. But the recurring thought is "the way out is through." I can get down on myself for things that occurred in the past, or I can get to the task at hand and figure something out. 

In the spirit of the Taylor Swift quote above, I will forge ahead and try some new ideas with the ultrasound project. I will give myself permission to fail. It doesn't have to work the very first try. It's another version of the Ira Glass quote. 

Taylor and Ira would want me to give this ultrasound idea a try.

March 26

This month, I have made progress. I am getting more efficient. There have certainly been things that I could have done better, but they could also have gone worse.

Tonight, I did a couple things I wish I had not done. Not major wrongs. Just yielded to temptation a little more than I would've liked. Flicking bright lights. Indulging in a cake pop, and some other things.

No matter. I will have to put it behind me. I have done what I could with today. I shall rise tomorrow, unfettered by such concerns. Now, it is time to sleep.

March 17

I played a gig tonight. I had a great time. I felt like a musician's musician. The crowd was into it. I was into it. We had some unexpected things happen (Mike singing Flim Flam and All of Me were highlights).  And absolutely no one on Planet Earth is going to take that away from me.  

I like the person I've become. Watching ASU's basketball team play tonight reminded me how formative that place was. I gave them a shoutout today as well. In large part, I am the person I am today because of ASU. 

Now, I need to go to the next level. Good from here on out. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. As Thalia said, I need to take charge. What does that look like?

February 26

It's been thrown into sharp relief that I have a short time left before tenure review. It looks like I have the extra year as an option, and it behooves me to exercise that option. 

I need to make a "path to tenure" document. I am going to prepare a bulletproof dossier. Specifically, I need to start running a proper research group. 

I'm not where I want to be yet. But I'm making steps. My confidence is growing. My assertiveness is growing. It feels good when I say what I'm truly wondering about or thinking. 

February 17

I got on the right path in the meeting with AKS and SS today. It probably helped, in a way, that I was a bit frazzled from the day, and had just gotten done with a somewhat tough therapy session. I tried to express my true thoughts to LN-F. 

I decided to approach the planning meeting with enthusiasm. To move forward with the project with reckless abandon, not thinking at all about whether it will turn out OK. (I need to approach more of my research that way.) To be OK with moving forward without having all the answers. During the ensuing back-and-forth discussions, I held my own.

I took TG's advice: I took charge of the meeting from the beginning. I am capable of this after all. I improvised. It was a little uncomfortable, and that was part of the point. The turtle only makes progress when he sticks his head out. 

It was nice to hear "keep up the good work" from LSM-W. 

I like lucid sentences. I want to write more of them. It feels good when a sentence expresses my true thoughts. In this proposal and others, I will write more of them. I will read people whose writing I admire, such as Elie Honig, and let them inspire me to pursue my own path.

"Might as well throw everything I've got at this thing."

January 22

Trigger was Edgar Meyer. Blessed is he. The video of him playing McGlynn's Jigs stuck in my head. The smooth, easygoing feel that was yet also rigorous. That is how it must be. One must be light and fluid to be a man of knowledge. But at the same time, practice and technique are important.

That got me in a good feeling to play some music. And to focus on making music. Not just playing notes or making my way through changes. The key is to focus on having good technique and doing right by the music, but doing so in a free-flowing, light-touch way. 

I can translate this same motion to my scientific work. I shall take the plunge into the quest for new knowledge. There's nothing to it.