January 31

Matthias and Klemens, danke schoen for existing. Your music fills me with joy, and inspires me to do wonderful and amazing things with my life the way you guys do. You guys give me a sense of what is possible.

Kobe Bryant was recorded as saying: "The greatest fear you face is yourself because we all have dreams, and it's very scary sometimes to accept the dream that you have. And it's scarier still to say, " I want that." It's scary because you're afraid that if you put your heart and soul into it, and you fail, then how are you going to feel about yourself? So, being fearless means putting yourself out there and going for it. No matter what, go for it. Not for anybody else, but for yourself."

This quote touched on something I felt when I started at MIT. I was afraid of giving it my all. Sometimes I still am. But I did not come this far to come only this far. I am going to close my laptop and go to sleep.

When I get up, it's on. It's time to visualize doing the wonderful things with Shrishti's project, the heat transfer enhancement project, and all the others. And then execute with everything in the service of making that vision a reality. I will take concrete steps every day toward creating a thriving research group.

Gradatim ferociter.

Step by step, ferociously.

January 30

A few things I took away from today:

1. Improvising: don't think too much about it. Just go. Let your emotions speak through the bass.
2. Default toward finishing.
3. How can I make my country a better place? By making my neighborhood a better place. Volunteer to pack meals with NAACP. Mentor a troubled teen.

Consolidating a few of my previous thoughts:

1. When he did an AMA on Reddit, dancing Matt's handle was "BadDancer." This suggested to me that his philosophy is to embrace the "badness" and dance anyway. I can apply this toward research, and embrace that my ideas may not be Nobel-winning, but that I should honor them and try them anyway.
2. I want to foster a culture in my research group where the desired behaviors are the normal behaviors. Read the literature. Be respectful. Et cetera.
3. This year, I want to read about great examples of leadership. I want to become a true leader in my life.
4. What would a future tenured professor do?

January 25

I came up short so far.

I want to be as honest as possible right now. I could have done more. I could have applied myself to get my lab equipment purchased and set up. Others worked faster than I did. Remi had an advantage, yes - he had a semester off from teaching. He had a bigger startup. His department has more research infrastructure. But I hold myself to a high standard, and I still think I could have done more. 

I could have taught myself MD. I could have gotten to work sooner on the chemokinesis stuff.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

It's important to acknowledge this, and going forward, I will do better than before.

But I must move on now. 

Now is not the time to look back and ask what might have been. Now is my time to see what can be. I will do my best to manufacture rods on Wednesday, depending on what Dmitri says. I will do my level best to teach the wains thermodynamics and heat transfer. And I will forge a path forward amidst the uncertainty, as I advised Shrishti to do today.

week in review: Jan 18

These were my research + writing goals for the week.

• Dossier due COB Friday, 1/22
• Last training
• Funding reconciliation
• Teaching statement
• Research statement
• Updated CV
• Luyang’s paper draft to Wei by Thursday, 1/21
• Finalize, submit AHTF paper
• Edit J-agg paper, submit draft to bioRxiv
• Bioengineering open house, Thursday 1/21 @ 1 pm 
• Send slides to Parag by Wed evening, 10 pm
• Reschedule call with InRedox for 1pm Wed, 1/27
• Do you have standard recipes for the plating solutions for Ni and Fe, or should we follow the literature? (Send paper we’re planning to follow)
• Any tips on handling the membranes? Concerned especially about removing the Au layer without damaging the rods. Should we use sandpaper or chemically etch?
• How to avoid oxidation of Fe nanorods + electrolytes
• Does the pH matter? Should we adjust it to a certain amount?
• Figure out how to spend OSCAR $$
• SA for NIH DNA NPs proposal
• Review IPF SA page drafted by Luis, meet on Thursday (met on Saturday)

Important other stuff

• Blackboard paint (bought by JK)
• Lapel mic
• Request a no-cost extension to NSF EAGER
• Ask Ying Sun about NSF REU supplement
• (if no) Hire Garrett as wage employee
• Migrate website
• Get bike fixed
• Bull Run Bicycles, 10458 Dumfries Rd, Manassas, VA 20110
• Review 4-VA abstract for POH, set up Zoom meeting poll, + ask about budget remaining
• Discuss a 4-VA “seminar schedule” – do we have a critical mass of speakers?
• Zach Pirtle
• Rich Kauzlarich
• Yi-Ching
• Post to FSP: 
• Work hard!
• Search more systematically for funding opportunities. Leave no stone unturned – search for 15 minutes every single day.
• Learn to keep impostor syndrome in check. This has been on my mind for way too long

Take-aways:

• The dossier took a lot longer than I expected/hoped, but I got it done late Sat night.
• For some reason, I have this reluctance to ask for the REU supplement or EAGER extension. I need to overcome that this week.
• There are a bunch of technical kinks I still need to work out for the lectures. How is my audio going to be connected to the video-taking device? Where is the camera going to go? Will it work if it's just my phone? I need to do some test runs, probably next weekend.
• I'm glad Ben suggested the blackboard paint.
• I need to get to bed earlier at night. Take the pill, read a book, go to bed. End of story.

January 23

1. Vulfpeck is giving me life right now. They are so good.

2. A thing I learned this week: part of being a leader is being definite. Make definite assertions and speak from the heart. I need to learn to get past that little bit of uncertainty I sometimes feel. 

3. When I think that I am someone who can appreciate Vulfpeck and the Helmholtz-Smoluchowski equation, I truly feel lucky to be me.

Week in review

At the beginning of this week, these are the objectives and to-do items I set out for myself:

• Resubmit chemokinesis manuscript
• Edit Luyang's paper
• Renewal dossier progress
• Email Terri to request funding reconciliation
• Send Bob doc on how we want admit process to work in next 2 years
• Submit PR Research review
• Check on 4-VA students
• MRI: 1 sentence on nanomotors
• Look into getting Garrett hired as a wage employee
• Check ingredients for nanorod synthesis
• Edit J-agg paper
• Edit latest AHTF paper from Anirban
• IPF meeting
• Order any remaining materials necessary
• Options for prelim measurements
• Plans for R15
• Read Brendon's paper
• Sign up for MITx
• Follow up w/Damon from UBC
• Bug Bren
• Ask Ying Sun about REU supplement
• No-cost extension
• Nail down a time for InRedox tutorial
• Submit LOR for Moises for CSGF
• Respond to Bob H/Suddaf email about Salesforce
• Update lab website
• Yousef's email
• Check in w/Sajad
• Check in w/Zagros
• Finish unpacking the house
• Ewan Dobson PDF?
• Whiteboard paint
• Micromachines invited paper

Could've been worse, could've been better. I didn't necessarily expect to get every single item on that list done - that's the point of the brain dump. 

Some take-aways:

1. I got the most important thing done: resubmitted the chemokinesis paper.
2. I took some initial steps toward good habits. I successfully abstained from alcohol for two days straight. Several nights, I got to bed earlier than usual (around midnight). I also got up earlier several mornings. I meditated for 10 minutes 2-3 days straight.
3. The writing retreat was largely a success. I need to make it a habit to participate in the Friday sessions going forward.
4. Generally, the strategy of writing out the "essential items" each day seems to be working well.
5. Small, subtle changes to make
1. Get started at 9 am every morning.
2. Add 1 day of weight training
3. Check email 3x a day

January 15

This was a productive week.

A few observations:

• Creativity is encouraged when you remember there are absolutely no rules.
• No matter where I am or what I am doing, music heals me.
• I'm the anchor of Sports Night. Somehow, some way, when I'm in that mode, I function the way I'm meant to.
• How does one cultivate confidence? By successfully surviving a risk.
• I will unleash a flood of publications and grant proposals this year. This is the time to go balls to the wall.

January 9

Just had a deep technical conversation with Phil about the paper we're working on. I just want to mention how good I feel after this. I need to remember that, amidst all the other crap I have to put up with and deal with in this job, getting to dive deep into the science is fun. As Cal Newport quoted in Deep Work, "A deep life is a good life."

January 8

I don't have the energy to write about the riot that happened this week. Suffice to say it's awful and predictable. There've already been plenty of words written about that. So I'll write about things in my life at the moment. And given the various anecdotes I've heard about today, I am keen not to underestimate people's ability to be (a) awful and (b) wonderful to each other.

I had a good therapy session today. We got into why I might have feelings of impostor syndrome as I often do. We talked about avoiding checking Twitter late into the night, as I just did just now. So I've got some work to do on that one. We dug a bit into where these feelings of inadequacy come from. Which is a bit of a mystery - but there is something interesting about the fact that I am now doing science and fluid mechanics, despite having done poorly in these subjects at least at one point before.

I just want to build a good work habit and get some stuff done. That's what I really want to do. I know I'm lucky to be in this position and I want to do some good with it. I don't think I'm the best qualified person for the job - perhaps that's the impostor syndrome, fed by the memory of my "F" in science in 7th grade and my "C" in fluid mechanics in college - but I know a thing or two about what I'm doing. And I'm not satisfied with how things have gone so far.

It starts with building habits. For keeps and for real this time. Let me be diligent. Let me produce an enormous body of work in 2021.  

January 4

I think a lot of the advice I've seen and identified with can be condensed into two words: be prolific. I tip my cap to people like Isaac Asimov, Cory Wong, and others who continuously crank out content. I aspire to be like Corin Tellado or Agatha Christie. Not all the work is going to come out the way you want it. Maybe even most of it won't. But, as I'm increasingly learning, it's a numbers game. Slowly I am drifting across the spectrum from the elephant to the seahorse approach. 

If I make a commitment, tonight, to make this my most prolific year yet, how might that go?

I can certainly write *something* for the NSF CAREER award proposal. Maybe it won't be very good. Maybe it will. 

I can pump out at least 5-6 manuscripts and get them submitted. Maybe they'll be accepted. Maybe not all of them will. It might take a while. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance was rejected over 100 times before it was published, or so I recall reading.

I remember while I was playing the other night, I seemed to find my groove when I loosened my touch a bit, not trying to judge what I was playing too much as I was playing it. Let that be a metaphor for my creative pursuits in 2021.

Might as well give it a try.

January 3

I talked to Cory Pesaturo today. He is a character. He reminds me that I am a character too, and that's as it should be. 

I like Karen Lewis's post on the FSP forums that talks about personal goals. To wit,

1. Read every night before bed. Tik Tok is not reading. Books are reading. : )

2. Volunteer at the Food Bank four times this month – first session is on Tuesday!

3. Thank myself each night for getting through another day during this time and show gratitude for this body that is carrying me through.

And that is what I feel in this moment: gratitude towards my body. If nothing else today, that is what I want to remember.

January 2

No matter what happens in the world, I will have the sound of Bartolomey & Bittmann, Vulfpeck, and the dudes covering the Samurai Champloo OST.

I will make music like this in 2021. Maybe with Daniel. Maybe on my own. Maybe with Cristian, Yana, Marty, et al. But it needs to happen, because that's what the world needs right now.

I will be more open and more myself, because that is how I will succeed in my job. By letting my true creative energy flow through me.

In 2021, I vow to:

(1) Always, always, always trust myself.

(2) Finish something every single week.

(3) Write something down every single day.