April 24

I admire people like Remi and Abhishek. They seem to have this PI thing figured out. I do not feel like I have it all figured out. Not by a long shot. And they probably have their issues as well. But it's hard when others show the absolute best version of themselves that they possibly can. This sort of thing is highly incentivized in academia, of course.

I need to make small, meaningful changes, and keep tabs on what works and what doesn't work. Starting this week. 

• Always write at the same times every day, week in, week out. Make focused writing a daily habit. 
• Put myself on a deadline so that at regular intervals, I have to produce a recognizable, concrete research product (presentation, white paper, pre-proposal, etc.) every month. I need to discuss what the best products are with my mentors.
• Order an espresso machine so I don't have to keep walking to the other building. 
• Bring my lunch 3 times a week during summer.
• Meet monthly with mentors (Leigh, George Hazelrigg, JDP...) Send them my strategic plan. 
  

Let's make it happen. 

April 13

Up way too late on a night before lecture. I will get to bed soon. 

A few good things I did today:

1. Meditated to begin the day. What if I did it for the next 21?
2. Looked through tunes in the Real Book to send to Dian for this mysterious gig coming up. Prompted by seeing "When I Fall In Love," accompanying the great Nat King Cole, and breaking down in tears. That was cathartic and it lowered my blood pressure. I went to campus relaxed and in a good spirit. 
3. Initiated a conversation with Allison about the AFM. 
4. Led the IPF meeting fairly well, I think. I remember feeling confident enough to ask the questions that were really vexing me. At one point I thought I was asking a dumb question, but Jorge said "that's a good question." Those are validating moments. 

Generally, I can feel myself getting more comfortable saying what I really feel and bringing the unvarnished truth. 

I need to build some momentum over a few days. I need to craft a realistic strategic plan for myself and send it to a few people for feedback. I must do this soon. I need to get on track so I can stop beating myself up about this. I will make it happen.

April 7

"You have to be confident." That's all the justification you need. It doesn't need to come from some deep place. This is where the phrase "fake it till you make it" comes from. It is real if you say it is.

Part of being confident is recognizing your good qualities and highlighting them. My attention to detail is better than most people I know.

I'm coming to realize Remi has no filter. A little blunt and rough around the edges at times. But maybe that's a good thing.

What if I truly did not care how others felt about me? What if I simply said exactly what I was thinking? Have I earned that right as a professor and PI, at least to some extent?

April 1

Good day today. I rose and had an easy morning for a change, eating my cereal, drinking coffee, doing the Wordle, reading HC Richardson's post. Bought >$60 worth of baked goods from Lemonade Bakery. It feels good to bring happiness to others. And that's what baked goods are.

Today I felt like I got "in the zone" with research. Probably what Remi feels like most days. This needs to be the default. I just need to get rollin'. Whatever greases the wheels. Whatever gets the juices flowing. I have to find that magic sauce and keep it in good supply.

Also, it felt good to play tonight. I'm finally beginning to get the Sarabande from Suite #1 under my fingers. The key was to watch the sheet music and focus on making the bowings come out right; the left-hand stuff took care of itself. 

Keep the balance.