March 27

I can feel my confidence growing. I can feel myself digging deeper and standing up for what I believe in more firmly.

An example would be Friday morning's faculty meeting. Something emboldened me to speak up in the first place - I felt a small extra jolt of energy coming from somewhere. Something that said, in some sort of terms, "go for broke." I ended up making important points at the meeting related to whether we can have an extra year on our tenure clock (which seemed to catch Ariela off guard, but for which I was commended afterward by both Ali and Erik). 

Another example: group meeting on Wednesday. I had a good back-and-forth with Shrishti about the issues she's facing in her research.

I'm starting to realize that when you're the leader, people want you to be yourself. People want unambiguous instructions they can follow. Some spontaneity is necessary. Kind of like Kerry Ann says - you have to trust that you will have something relevant to contribute extemporaneously.

I will lead myself firmly over the next three weeks as I have a lot of shit going on. I will get it all done. NSF panel. Mock CAREER panel. Proposal submission. Ira Glass's quote on creative work is going to propel me through the next few weeks.

March 13

A few thoughts from today + yesterday:

• When playing bass, I had the thought "just play something straightforward that unambiguously gets the job done." So I played some simple licks. Sometimes that's all you need to do.
• Being well in the bedroom is a mental game as much as anything.  I need to give myself a lot of slack for this, along with everything else in my life right now, just because of the pandemic and how it's affected us. I do still love Jayme, but sometimes things have gotten weird and awkward between us in ways I didn't expect when we got married. Funny how being with someone you know so well can still be that way.
• I need to start keeping a gratitude journal. 
• What if I truly gave up fretting about what will happen to the next grant proposal, the next paper submission, even my renewal or tenure case? 

Beginning a running list of things in a life I love:

• Being an unadulterated version of myself. A la long-haired Colombian guy and Jose Andres.
• Developing technologies and doing science that directly benefits humanity.
• More to come later...

March 2

Good past few days. Glad to get things going in the bedroom again. It was a good weekend.

It's too damn late again. Why can't I get myself to bed earlier?

I need to get over my fear of hard work. The first step is to acknowledge it for exactly what it is and move on from there. Just like the iFit trainer said in today's ride on Maui: put in an honest effort.

Things are getting better.

Gradatim ferociter.