February 23

We have been dealt a tough hand. Starting a research group is hard without a reliable set of group members from whom to choose. 

Times are difficult for J and me and the rest of us right now. Many people have it much worse than we do. But it's still tough. Highlight of the day: when I said "sweeping pills" and we had a good laugh. That broke the somewhat tense air that was there before.

I feel like I'm continually trying to get started on getting my research program when something comes up. The Amir debacle. The humidity issue. Shrishti's mental health and physical health challenges. COVID. The PhD program getting rejected...again. 

But I'm not stopping. I will adapt and recover and move on. I will refocus my energies on cranking out as many "good-enough" proposals as I possibly can, with a focus on projects that could support Bioengineering PhD students. I will attend all the grant writing webinars I can. 

This week's exercise of tracking my time has shown me that I spend, max, about 2 hours a day in the zone. What could I do if I doubled that number? 

I will cultivate the killer instinct. I will reread Tenure Hacks. I will use this year (and it could be a crucial extra year) to get on track. As Pawel put it on a Skype call a while ago, I'm effectively midway through my second year as a faculty.

February 19

Today was a mixed bag. At times it was good - had a decently good therapy session. I need to lower the pressure on myself. Panda was delicious. Free Starbucks is nice. Chatted with Erik about an important topic. Disappointing lack of productivity in the SciTech office though.

Had a wonderful chat with Althea and Alec (sp?) - these are the kinds of people I would envision chatting with late into the night at a cafe in Morocco, before going off to listen to Vincent Segal and Ballake Sissoko play. Chatting by video chat is good, we had a good experience, but it's at best an incomplete substitute. COVID has robbed us of rich social experiences. 

Lesson learned: just because I am successful at braindumping everything I need to do doesn't mean I will accomplish all of it. I must get better at finishing. I must get better at biting off a good size portion so I am not left with too much to chew. I need to be ruthless about eliminating distractions and focusing.

This weekend, I plan to do the following:

• ME 221 asynchronous lectures
• 1-2 pure substance examples
• Heat and work transfers
• Call Shari's Berries
• Fill out Shannon's thing
• Revise Nanci's article
• Email Remi, send J-agg paper, check in about the DNA nanoswimmers. Has he been able to fabricate them yet?
• Play bass

If I have time, I will record additional lectures on the First Law and transient heat conduction. 

February 5

Again, thank you Klemens. Thank you Matthias. Thank you Vulf. 

I started today with a graduate committee meeting with colleagues. And I had a kind of gruff demeanor...more than I typically do. This is because Bob Handler has been on my nerves lately, and it forced me to steel myself for the meeting to make sure I wouldn't take any of his crap. And as a result, I was more assertive in the meeting. I commanded the attention of the others in the meeting (or at least I think I did). I need to find a healthy way to trigger this feeling. I also need to quit while I'm ahead when speaking - that's something else I did during this meeting that seemed to work well. Another thing was to stand my ground, figuratively speaking, when arguing a point. I'll get there.

Had a promising meeting with the NIBIB PM. Afterward, Remi said "we're onto something!" or something of that nature. Let's try the experiment.

Finished by emailing back and forth with Shrishti. She seems as normal as anyone can be through email. Next week I'm going to show her the Jeff that was on the call earlier today. No wishy-washiness. I am concerned for her mental health, but we also have a PhD to do.

Maybe Laurie N-F was right. Maybe I need to speak to myself more positively. But I also need to be alerted. External catalysts seem to work the best. So maybe it's time I intentionally expose myself to them and/or think about them to start the day in the right frame of mind.

February 2, part 2

Thank you, once again, Joe, Theo, Jack, Woody, et al. for reminding me what happiness is and that it is available to me in this very moment.

No matter what is going on in my life, I hear this music and I am propelled forward. Tomorrow I will forge ahead with renewed vigor.

Gradatim ferociter.

February 2

Woke up today to some good news: my paper was accepted in Sci. Rep.! As a result, I feel slightly less neurotic about my renewal case. 

Regarding renewal, I can't shake the feeling that I could have done more over the past three years. I could have submitted more proposals. I could have more vigorously kept Shrishti focused on her thesis work. To this day, I'm still not completely sure how she ended up spearheading the J-aggs project when she is not Remi's student. There are intervening factors: COVID. Shrishti's mental health. The fact that my lab was not operational when Shrishti joined in August 2018. I did what I did, and we are still here. That's going to have to be that. 

I am excited to have four unfettered hours to write tomorrow morning. I am a professor at an R1 university. I often ask myself, "What would a tenured professor do?" A tenured professor would know how to capitalize on a morning free of obligations and make the most of it. I will use that time to get through the backlog of writing projects I have.

February 1

I had a tough day today, but altogether a productive one. I met with Pawel and Anirban and we decided to submit to J. Appl. Phys. I don't know why two different journals don't want this paper. It's frustrating. But I'm glad I stuck to my guns and pushed for J. Appl. Phys. rather than Phys. Fluids since I'm not sure the latter is the best fit for this work. 

Had a tough conversation with Shrishti. It felt at times like I am giving myself advice. Comparisons are odious. The only thing that matters is, "am I doing what I need to be doing today to get myself to where I need to be?" 

She said I seem like someone who reacts in the moment (or something of that nature, drawing a contrast with herself, who is more focused on planning long-term). I'm not sure how to react to that. I will try not to take it as a value judgment. But I intend to lean into it, and use it as fuel to make myself a better advisor. Criticism is good if it enables me to make a positive change. I tried to do that tonight by sending her a template for a strategic plan. I tried to do that by having a weekly one-on-one with Shrishti. I'm trying.

I continued and finished the Specific Aims page for the proposal Remi and I want to write on DNA nanoswimmers and sent it to the Program Manager. I really hope we get a positive endorsement on this work soon. This is the kind of proposal I am excited to write.

Past 1 AM now, time to get some sleep.