November 28

Things going through my head at the moment...

...I hope I can get a bunch of publications submitted in the next couple months before I go up for renewal.

...I hope I can get at least a couple more proposals submitted before renewal is due as well. There's the DOE pre-proposal due in January. There's the DNA nanoparticles proposal that's due whenever. There's the NSF thingy with Pilgyu...December 9.

...I wonder if my achievements in these areas are commensurate with the mental energy I devote to thinking about them. 

...In all these arenas, I need to build good habits. While running the other day, I had a vision of charging heartily straight in the right direction. While practicing I have a vision of doing just one small finger maneuver which I know for certain takes me in the right direction. I need to hone that. I need to honor it and apply it to my work as a professor. As I said to Jayme tonight, "bring the target closer." I need to start by mastering stage one, and then advancing.

November 21

Relaxed muscles move faster and with more agility.

Went back to the apartment today just briefly. I had the entire empty living room to myself, plus Lowla. Something about being in that room with nothing else happening made me let loose a little bit. I played expressively and for a few brief moments, I got a glimpse of what it feels like to have Bach really gel. Pretty cool.

During this impromptu performance, I allowed my fingers to be a little more loose and found that this yielded a nicer sound up and down the fingerboard. I wonder if this could be a kind of metaphor for other forms of creating things.

When doing creative scientific work, I need to get in that same frame of mind. Non-judging. And don't always look at your hands. Just close your eyes and let the melody come forth.

November 18

A strange creative confidence is coming over me. I feel free to express myself at the moment.

It started with a thought that goes something like: "what will sound pleasing to me?" "What will add to the groove?" This idea is applicable to playing bass, of course (I'm into smooth jazz playalongs lately...), but also to other areas of my creative life.

I think I noticed it when I was working on a recommendation letter for a student to study at a program in Japan. It's funny, I was kind of dreading writing this letter, but it turned out to be kind of fun. I think with more experience writing these letters, I've started to branch out and express myself a little bit more than I otherwise would. It reminded me of some of the sentences in my NSF GRFP application...things like "the battle against environmental damage would indeed be joined" or something along those lines. I think those will be key to further success in grant writing.

Good proposals are about dreams. You need to invite the reader to dream along with you. To inspire them to think about what might be possible. The emotion needs to suffuse the writing, because panelists and program managers are people too. 

Since we've moved into the new house, I have been trying to be more fully myself around Jayme and in general. There have been several instances in which I've said something that I might've been a little embarrassed to say out loud, but went ahead and did it anyway. The general idea is to decrease the barriers and roadblocks between a thought occurring to me and me vocalizing it. I don't want to just speak in a stream-of-consciousness fashion, and words must be chosen carefully, but at the same time, I need to get more thoughts out onto the page.

A Piccardy third at the end of a sometimes-difficult day.

November 12

I was inspired by the WaPo conversation today on "Chasing Cancer." When I hear that immunotherapy doesn't work for a lot of solid cancers, I am reminded of why I am in this job.

Running the 4-VA program is a good test of my leadership abilities. I feel up to the challenge. May I continue to push myself and my team ever further. And also remind them to have fun.

Commit to daily practice. Do one small thing every day that will get you a little bit closer.

Thoughts from Dennis Hong:

“Everyone falls sooner or later.
But when u get up from your fall,
u become a bit stronger
a bit smarter and
a bit wiser.

So when u fall again next time,
which u will,
u will fall a bit better
get back up a bit easier and
get near your goals a bit closer.”

November 11

Condemning myself gets me nowhere. Worrying gets me nowhere. It's hard not to feel inadequate when viewing the awesome achievements of people in similar positions to me. But I must remember that I'm not them and they're not me. Everyone's situation is, indeed, different. 

The MIT seminar I attended on impostor syndrome concluded by saying it's not an entirely bad thing. It can be good if you channel it properly. Sometimes, when I'm stressed I can be propelled into productivity.

Getting myself into a state of healthy stress forces me to grow. Something propelled me into action when I was studying jazz bass with Dwight Kilian, and I think it had something to do with him calling me out on my intonation or time feel. Something caused me to grow while a student of Jankowski, and I think it was the feeling of inadequacy I got when subjected to the Socratic method in front of my peers, and his withering remarks when I messed up an answer to one of his questions. 

Today, I was in the midst of writing when Jayme asked me to take Agnes to the vet. I was perhaps a little more irritated than I needed to be by this. By the time I got back I was in a somewhat more productive state. It consistently happens - somehow I'm made to feel like I'm not up to snuff, and it works. 

On one clip from the Jocko podcast where he's asked about feeling inadequate, Jocko referred to some folks who "try to hide it. They're afraid to ask questions, afraid to say they don't know so they end up looking scared and stupid...which equates to looking incompetent." He spoke of a beloved captain who "asked questions, asked for guidance, and admitted his mistakes."

On episode 221, Jonny Kim said, "You should never think you are too good to do a job. Be a forever new guy. Never think that you are above taking out the trash." 

The dream is alive.