October 27

 Quick post: why not post videos like Jeniree (post on LinkedIn tagged by Charlie and Keilys) about becoming a US citizen? I need to find opportunities to continue opening up to people (e.g. Jayme, Laurie, myself, this blog...) If it's something I feel in my heart, it deserves to be shared in some way.

October 31

I rediscovered music tonight for what feels like the first time. Rediscovered Joe Dart. Rediscovered the Berklee Indian Ensemble. Rediscovered Emily C. Browning. 

I had big fun playing music by myself tonight. That needs to be part of the everyday routine. To rock out more often. To Bach out more often. 

I wish I had performed some of the Bach suite #1 on electric at Thalia's birthday gathering instead of attempting to play the Sarabande on double bass when I hadn't really practiced it enough. That is a thought that went through my head a few times.

Some of the major big fun I've had playing music recently was jamming on "Happy Birthday" for a bit. Too bad I didn't have the chance to show off a little more at the gathering on Friday. That is also a thought that went through my head a few times. 

Those are things that happened in the past. I don't fear those thoughts. I am getting them onto the page and then letting go of them.

10,000x more important is that I enjoyed riffing on it. 

In parallel with hard work and consistent writing on research, this will continue in the future.

October 24

Frustrating today. On Friday, I was led to believe that a DARPA program manager might be interested in ideas relating to thermal management of satellites. It sounded like a job for AHTF. I've been wanting to get DARPA funding for this for a while now: it's high-risk high-reward, and could be useful for a variety of defense applications. A couple years ago, Prof. Qiliang Li encouraged me to go big with the idea. He said, "this is not an NSF idea; this is a DARPA idea." (Sidenote: I appreciate him for encouraging me like that. I could write a separate post about people like him and John Martin who lift others up.)

Anyway, after looking through the opportunity announcement for this year's DARPA Young Faculty Award, I couldn't find any of their interest areas that fit neatly with this idea. I got sucked into my usual pattern of impostor syndrome, feeling like I don't have the skills, etc. I ended up going down a rabbit hole and missing out on an opportunity to watch a show with Jayme and we got into a minor tiff. I started to get down on myself.

And then I stopped. I thought, "I can refuse." I can refuse to go down that self-defeating path ever again. If I take that mental energy and channel it instead into actually doing something, what could I achieve? It's not actually as hard as I made it out to be.

On Jocko Willink's podcast, Jonny Kim said something to the effect of: "If you get back up every single time you fail, you will have a positive impact on the world." He also said, "I'm not gifted. I'm not smarter than everybody else. I'm not stronger. I just have the ability to stick to a plan and not quit." Grit paragon.

No matter what happens with any of these opportunities, I will never give up.

October 21

 "You're going to run for President someday." 

That line, spoken by President Josiah Bartlet (Martin Sheen) to Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe) in the West Wing reunion episode, could have been spoken to me. It made me simultaneously think of what I could become and see how a true leader empowers those working for him. 

I was remembered "for [my] intelligence" in elementary school. I can be remembered for my fierce intellect going forward. 

From here on, I will lead. I will empower others. I will empower myself.

October 18

Amidst the chaos, I must continue to create. 

A lot of the books I've read over the past couple of years in an effort to improve my productivity (whose efficacy so far has yet to be demonstrated definitively) boil down to a simple thing: set aside time, every single day, when you chip away at difficult things.

Deep Work talks about "lead measures." Tenure Hacks calls them "billable hours." How to Write a Lot talks about making a writing schedule and sticking to it, making writing a banal habit instead of a major event.

I need to take a cue from people like Cory Wong who continually crank out album after album. I'm still not sure what the proper units are for me. Papers? Proposals? Something in between? 

What if I just say to myself "I am going to create research-related things from 9 to 10 AM every single day this week, and see where it takes me?"

October 8

Today, sending emails and revising the documents for the JMU/GMU joint capstone program served as a catalyst to get me in the frame of mind of a leader. I often struggle to get myself to work productively or stay focused or be a leader or whatever. But this... this is the kind of professor I want to be. And this is how I get there. 

• Assertive.
• Politely demanding. Make direct commands. Make definite assertions.
• When trying to stimulate a student's thought in a research context, strongly state the right question as a starting point.
• Be honest when you don't know something.

I also am happy at myself for dressing well before our house closing this morning (and for getting Jayme to up her game as well with regard to how we dressed). Dress for the job you want. I have visions of myself dressing professionally and working hard during work hours. Simple dedication to my craft is a noble goal to strive for.

It's an attitude. It's a version of the attitude Dwight Kilian exemplified in those formative years I spent studying with and being influenced by him. It's like Cullen said: Act like royalty before you receive your crown. Act like a leader and look like a leader before you are given leadership. 

This is how I will conduct myself at work from now on.

October 6

Watching an NYT documentary on "Slomo" - a 69-year-old guy who left a medical career to pursue his passion for skating. It reminds one of Bill Watterson's statement "having an enviable career is one thing, and being a happy person is another." Of course, it would be ideal to have both, but they are indeed separate. The guy seems to have found his happy place, even if people mistake him for a homeless guy.

It's hard not to turn it on myself and see what it means for me. For me, science is sometimes a passion, sometimes a job. I don't think Slomo would say that everyone who has a demanding job that requires a doctorate needs to abandon it and just skate around all day. 

But we need to find ways to feed our souls with our science. I need to take a step back, amidst all my proposal submissions, and reassess: what matters to me?

What is it that really gets my heart racing about mechanical engineering? 

• Fluid motion is beautiful aesthetically and challenging intellectually.
• Active turbulence. Interactions among the components.
• Finding an unexpected connection that I didn't see before.
• Using interesting physics to make something that is unambiguously good for humanity - like making drinking water more easily accessible.
• Using self-propelled particles to break through the barriers to effective treatment. 

Today, I saw a news release saying that Hyundai had started to build flying cars that it expects to be zipping around cities by 2028. In 2020, my instinct is to say, "fat chance." But it could happen. I need to have the same forward-thinking attitude towards my science. As Bob Langer said, "make the discoveries of tomorrow." As Ron Adrian supposedly said, "do what everyone else is doing...5 years before they do it." Could chemokinesis be key?

October 5

I'm inspired these days by Joe Dart's general statement "play as much music with as many different people as possible" or something along those lines during the interview with him. Inspired by that line of thinking, I shall continue to get involved in many different projects and contribute to the fullest extent to each one.

I built some momentum last month with the submission of the CDMRP and IMAT proposals, as well as the paper submission to Nature Communications and, subsequently, Scientific Reports. I shall continue that momentum this month with more papers and grants.

I really enjoyed the brainstorming session with JMKM today on the relationships between turbulent flows and history. It increased my confidence in my own ability to come up with new, interesting ideas. I shall exercise the idea muscle daily.

I'm seeing the need and utility in feeling like I'm being a "jerk." Especially up front in a project or a semester, I want to enforce high standards on everyone (including me). I have to stick up for myself at the end of the day.