March 22

Just get started.

Teaching once again got me in the right mood today. I felt good when I said to my wife's cousin "The longer I've been in research, the more comfortable I've been with looking like a complete fool by saying what I don't know." Einstein said "I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." (letter to Carl Seelig, 1952). I am not even going to think about comparing myself to him, but I can try to be passionately curious and see where it takes me. 

You have to let your curiosity overcome your fear of getting started. Begin before you feel ready.

March 17

Great visit to Denver. It did what it needed to do. Unfortunately, the feeling of calm always dissolves after a few days back at work. But maybe not this time. Maybe I can continue to recharge every weekend by talking to my parents, talking to my brother, playing music, meditating, and doing other non-work things.

I felt more confident to say what I truly felt today. I mainly noticed it when I was talking to Ardiana. And also when I had beers with Lee and Remi. Visiting home emboldens me, and I want to figure out how to stay emboldened long afterward. But on the other hand, traveling home should also remain special. 

I'm a little frustrated at how I spent my time this evening though.

No matter. All is fine now. I will get up again tomorrow and I will make a conscious effort to improve over today. I will be calm, set good goals for the day, and strive humbly to reach them.

March 6

I'm up too late on a Sunday night, once again.

A necessary weekend, overall. After Mike's murder last week, we are all shaken. In the immortal words of Bonobo (ft. Bajka), "Music is the healer, no matter who you are." 

I visited Nonie for the first time since the Before Times yesterday. Played with the fabulously talented Irene Jalenti. What a treat that was. Everything about that visit healed me. I want to remember chilling on the street in Bethesda before the gig, eating a piece of bread with chocolate and reading The Hobbit. I want to remember the conversations with Nonie's interesting friends and guests and her children. I want to remember the two-way communication and connection I had with Irene as we played. That fed me. 

And, of course, I want to remember belting out all the lyrics to The Blind Leaving the Blind. What a masterpiece that is. I want to remember how good I sounded, and how empowered I was after listening to it all the way through. Feeling heard boosts your confidence. Seeing what they have achieved pushes me to do more.

That continued tonight, as I listened to more of my new favorite jazz group, Foehn Trio. I think the word that best describes them is fresh. I haven't heard jazz that original and new and interesting and wonderful since I heard E.S.T. for the first time. 

I need to return to this article, this space. Let this be a reminder that my soul feels fed when I listen to groups like this, and when I play music with good people, for good people.