April 26

"So good they can't ignore you."

I cultivated a good mindset while swimming in the pool today. The basic idea is to not apologize for who I am, not to shrink myself to fit others' expectations. I have a right to be here. 

I'm having trouble recalling the specifics at the moment. I may need to come back to this entry. But the main feeling was self-assuredness and confidence. I am building those. Not necessarily talking over people, but interjecting when necessary. Whatever it takes to make my voice heard.

This also showed up a few times when I spoke from my gut a few times today. 

I now need to set my sights on tenure. I need to start acting, today, the way that a tenured professor would act. What if I set myself the goal of submitting 10 papers in 2023?

March 27

“I really want everyone to know, especially young people, that the hundreds or thousands of dumb ideas that I’ve had have led me to my good ideas,” Taylor Swift said. “You have to give yourself permission to fail.” She continued:

        “I try as hard as I can not to fail 'cause it's embarrassing, but I do give myself permission to, and you         should too. So go easy on yourselves, and make the right choices that feel right for you, and someday         someone might think that you’ve been innovative. Thank you so much for this.”

Tonight I've had to work my way through some awkward thoughts. But the recurring thought is "the way out is through." I can get down on myself for things that occurred in the past, or I can get to the task at hand and figure something out. 

In the spirit of the Taylor Swift quote above, I will forge ahead and try some new ideas with the ultrasound project. I will give myself permission to fail. It doesn't have to work the very first try. It's another version of the Ira Glass quote. 

Taylor and Ira would want me to give this ultrasound idea a try.

March 26

This month, I have made progress. I am getting more efficient. There have certainly been things that I could have done better, but they could also have gone worse.

Tonight, I did a couple things I wish I had not done. Not major wrongs. Just yielded to temptation a little more than I would've liked. Flicking bright lights. Indulging in a cake pop, and some other things.

No matter. I will have to put it behind me. I have done what I could with today. I shall rise tomorrow, unfettered by such concerns. Now, it is time to sleep.

March 17

I played a gig tonight. I had a great time. I felt like a musician's musician. The crowd was into it. I was into it. We had some unexpected things happen (Mike singing Flim Flam and All of Me were highlights).  And absolutely no one on Planet Earth is going to take that away from me.  

I like the person I've become. Watching ASU's basketball team play tonight reminded me how formative that place was. I gave them a shoutout today as well. In large part, I am the person I am today because of ASU. 

Now, I need to go to the next level. Good from here on out. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. As Thalia said, I need to take charge. What does that look like?

February 26

It's been thrown into sharp relief that I have a short time left before tenure review. It looks like I have the extra year as an option, and it behooves me to exercise that option. 

I need to make a "path to tenure" document. I am going to prepare a bulletproof dossier. Specifically, I need to start running a proper research group. 

I'm not where I want to be yet. But I'm making steps. My confidence is growing. My assertiveness is growing. It feels good when I say what I'm truly wondering about or thinking. 

February 17

I got on the right path in the meeting with AKS and SS today. It probably helped, in a way, that I was a bit frazzled from the day, and had just gotten done with a somewhat tough therapy session. I tried to express my true thoughts to LN-F. 

I decided to approach the planning meeting with enthusiasm. To move forward with the project with reckless abandon, not thinking at all about whether it will turn out OK. (I need to approach more of my research that way.) To be OK with moving forward without having all the answers. During the ensuing back-and-forth discussions, I held my own.

I took TG's advice: I took charge of the meeting from the beginning. I am capable of this after all. I improvised. It was a little uncomfortable, and that was part of the point. The turtle only makes progress when he sticks his head out. 

It was nice to hear "keep up the good work" from LSM-W. 

I like lucid sentences. I want to write more of them. It feels good when a sentence expresses my true thoughts. In this proposal and others, I will write more of them. I will read people whose writing I admire, such as Elie Honig, and let them inspire me to pursue my own path.

"Might as well throw everything I've got at this thing."

January 22

Trigger was Edgar Meyer. Blessed is he. The video of him playing McGlynn's Jigs stuck in my head. The smooth, easygoing feel that was yet also rigorous. That is how it must be. One must be light and fluid to be a man of knowledge. But at the same time, practice and technique are important.

That got me in a good feeling to play some music. And to focus on making music. Not just playing notes or making my way through changes. The key is to focus on having good technique and doing right by the music, but doing so in a free-flowing, light-touch way. 

I can translate this same motion to my scientific work. I shall take the plunge into the quest for new knowledge. There's nothing to it.