November 4

Quick post tonight to say that I have a fire in my belly. 

Laurie said something last week that inspired me. "You don't have kids." As a way of saying "what are you waiting for?"

I wish to honor my true self. All the past few weeks, months, and years are coming down to this. May I lose the fear of looking foolish. May I embrace the confidence of Paul Hollywood and Arnold Schwarzenegger. May I take good care of myself and make things better for others who are suffering in the world. May I read widely, curiously, carefully, critically (including Arnold's new book). There is plenty of work to be done.

Let me live like my life depends on it.

October 21

A month later than my previous post, I look back fondly on the trip to Italy. I feel that I did indeed get some good recharging in. With J gone since the 11th, I've enjoyed having the house (and my schedule) to myself. It's good to do once in a while. I've gotten to play a bunch of gigs, netting myself some extra cash. I've gotten to get some exercise. And the CoffeeBots paper was accepted!

Had a gig with Peter and Tom at LACH this evening. We sounded especially good during the first set tonight. I'm pleased with my playing. Take-aways:

1) Try to listen to how the whole group sounds. Is it what we want people to be hearing? In this particular case, we wanted coffeehouse jazz: smooth, but with a spring in its step.

2) Wearing the hat made me bolder and more confident. I need to do things that get me in that mode.

3) Connected with #1 and #2, I thought a bit less than normal about my solo ideas, and they just came. Naturally.

Tomorrow, I have the privilege of the day to myself. May I use it well, and do the work I need to do and also get some time to truly recharge my body, mind, and soul.

September 22

Here I am on the opposite side of the earth from where I usually am. I have the treasure of two unfettered days in the Murano and Venice regions to myself. May I use them to recharge.

A note of inspiration tonight came from Arctic Monkeys. They make me want to work hard and always stay true to myself. I visualize myself giving my own P&T seminar in about a year's time. May I speak from a place of deep ambition and proudly display my life's work up to that point. May I put in the work that Alex Turner et al. undoubtedly put into their music. 

May I do myself justice.

August 14

Once again, summer has blown by. It was reasonably productive for me - I got some papers submitted (and resubmitted), and also submitted the CAREER. I visited Seattle, Charlottesville, and Denver. Things were not perfect; I let work creep in when it shouldn't have. I didn't start planning my course until very recently. But I've also had some good moments. 

In any case, I am here and it is now. I sit on the cusp of my final full year on the tenure track before I need to submit my package. In some ways, I've been more successful than I thought I would be, especially in getting grant funding. In other ways, I have not quite gotten where I want to be yet, especially in publishing papers that I am leading. That has proven to be difficult.

So I will just lay it all on the line this school year. I am going to get started soon, and submit at least 4 papers before the year's end. Especially in (1) IPF, (2) AHTF, (3) DNA nanoswimmers. This will get me started toward my life's work: to use my scientific training and intelligence to develop engineering solutions that help us address climate change and disease.

I pledge to start an aggregation of small improvements. Starting with writing from 9-10 in the morning, every day, during the school year. No phone. Door closed. No email. 

June 28

I am on the right track now. It helped to have Nathan pay us a visit last weekend. He had a positive influence on me when we lived together that lives on to this day. It was good to be reminded of that.

Being "stoic" is not always good. But sometimes it is what I need. At least, that's my conception of stoicism. Probably a distortion of the way the stoic philosophers originally formulated it. It's a bit like McConaughey's "less impressed, more involved" philosophy. It's about being level-headed and calm.

That led me to some good places today. I feel like I handled the usual business of the day more assertively than I have before. I beat myself up less. I built myself up more. I apologized less for small things. I thought before I spoke.

I think it's not unrelated that, while swimming yesterday, I had the thought to start going to bed and getting up earlier. To swim long course at least once before its availability ends on July 26. To go back to Orangetheory. To eat better. To drink alcohol sparingly. I can gain a greater appreciation for my body. My mind will be unshakeable. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent.

May 8

A quick note tonight: I was reminded, when posting a message on the FSP website, that I am damn lucky to be in this position. 

I will never take this privilege for granted. I will work hard and be nice to people on my way.

I will make a realistic, but ambitious, strategic plan to get myself to tenure and beyond. "Beyond" matters. Because tenure is just one waypoint on a long career journey that lies ahead. It is just one intermediate objective.

May 6

*Another* mass shooting. Maybe the country has become desensitized to this sort of violence by now, but for some reason this one hit me. This keeps happening in this country. 

I am pragmatic, in a sense, about this issue. There are more guns than people in this country. I don't see any repeal of the Second Amendment happening anytime soon, even though I don't think the conditions that led to the adoption of the Second Amendment in the late 18th century exist today. Yes, we used our guns to fight the British, and yes, perhaps a "well-regulated militia" was a necessity then. But it's not the 18th century anymore. But nevertheless, I get it. We're obsessed with guns as a country. So, to some degree, we have to learn to live with the number of guns in America.

We should also ask what is compelling people to use these guns so much in the first place. What is compelling people to buy so many guns? Is it a fetish? Is it paranoia? And once you have one, are you somehow more geared towards using it? Is there something about simply having a gun at your disposal that, inherently, makes you want to use it? I have considered buying a gun for myself before, but have resisted, partly for this very reason. I should raise this issue with Ben tomorrow, if I can.

Other than that, it's been a wonderful Saturday. A normal Saturday. Had a nitro. Drove to get my bass repaired, and got to take a bunch of different basses for a spin. Lunch at Caboose. Haircut. B-day shopping for J. A bit of work. A lovely evening with my wife. I want to savor and acknowledge on this blog the gratitude and satisfaction I got from today. I am home, safe and comfortable, pleasantly drowsy. There are 8 people who can no longer say the same. I do not take this for granted. 

I am saddened by the tragedy in Texas, but I cannot let it overshadow the rest of today. I will acknowledge it, and acknowledge the need to be more involved politically to reduce gun violence in whatever way saves lives. But I also want to give myself credit for putting myself out there today. I remember writing a note to myself many years ago that said something like "Take f***ing risks. Enough said." I remember the surety I felt when I wrote that. At age 38, I am still learning. In the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, I need to find ways to do that. Set myself a deadline to do something out of my comfort zone at least once a week. 

As Anaïs Nin put it, "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."