February 17

I got on the right path in the meeting with AKS and SS today. It probably helped, in a way, that I was a bit frazzled from the day, and had just gotten done with a somewhat tough therapy session. I tried to express my true thoughts to LN-F. 

I decided to approach the planning meeting with enthusiasm. To move forward with the project with reckless abandon, not thinking at all about whether it will turn out OK. (I need to approach more of my research that way.) To be OK with moving forward without having all the answers. During the ensuing back-and-forth discussions, I held my own.

I took TG's advice: I took charge of the meeting from the beginning. I am capable of this after all. I improvised. It was a little uncomfortable, and that was part of the point. The turtle only makes progress when he sticks his head out. 

It was nice to hear "keep up the good work" from LSM-W. 

I like lucid sentences. I want to write more of them. It feels good when a sentence expresses my true thoughts. In this proposal and others, I will write more of them. I will read people whose writing I admire, such as Elie Honig, and let them inspire me to pursue my own path.

"Might as well throw everything I've got at this thing."

January 22

Trigger was Edgar Meyer. Blessed is he. The video of him playing McGlynn's Jigs stuck in my head. The smooth, easygoing feel that was yet also rigorous. That is how it must be. One must be light and fluid to be a man of knowledge. But at the same time, practice and technique are important.

That got me in a good feeling to play some music. And to focus on making music. Not just playing notes or making my way through changes. The key is to focus on having good technique and doing right by the music, but doing so in a free-flowing, light-touch way. 

I can translate this same motion to my scientific work. I shall take the plunge into the quest for new knowledge. There's nothing to it.

December 27

It has been a good trip overall. I have gotten to relax, take some time to myself, swim fairly often, meet Pepper, and sleep a fair amount. (I can do a better job of that last one.)

In the two days that remain, I will treat myself well. I will get some exercise. I will do a strategic plan for spring 2023, so as to lay the foundation for a productive semester. I will take time every day to read. 

In 2023, I will pursue true truth. I will be truly open to new perspectives. I am an open-minded skeptic. 

Perhaps most importantly, I will embrace my leadership role. I will be a MFin' prince who will be the fucking department head one day. I will look like a leader and act like a leader. Like Prince Philip leading the coronation committee, like Queen Elizabeth II finding her voice in giving the ministers a dressing-down like children. I will be a lion for sticking up for myself. Because no one else will be. Because my voice matters.

My voice matters.

December 12

I sit here feeling good overall. Could use a little more sleep, but good. 

I just want to do good in the world. I'm inspired by the Indigo Traveller (NZ spelling). He has clearly put years of work in, and put his own life at risk, for his craft. And for a message of benevolence and curiosity about the world around us. I admire that. I aspire to that.

I want to do my part to make ICG J-aggregates into a viable photothermal therapy for cancer. I want to demonstrate enzyme-powered DNA nanoparticles that burrow into a biofilm, rendering it harmless. I want to make products that help people. 

I will let this vision carry me.

November 27

I can lament the fact that I haven't accomplished as much as I wanted to in the first ~5 years I've been at Mason. I could fret about the amount of things I have to get done this week. That would not get me anywhere. But worrying does not increase the likelihood that my paper will be accepted. 

I need to change my habits to heavily favor taking action. I need to start things, even when I don't feel ready to start them.

I have to start somewhere. It's like the guys in The Full Monty. Even if you start out with absolute shite, that's still something.

November 25

This has been one of the hardest months since I started at Mason. Between the drama at work and the drama at home, it has been a lot to absorb. I feel like we are getting to a good point though. We are heading in the right direction, amidst it all.

The lesson I'm taking away from this is that I have to be firm and self-confident. I need to trust my own voice, because it matters. The times when I feel most like myself are often the times when I'm going with my gut. It has taken the better part of 38 years to learn how to do that...to learn what "trusting my gut" even means in the first place. But no matter. 

People are doing wonderful things worldwide in music, science, etc. Now is my time to jump on those trains. 

November 1

It's late again, and I should be in bed. 

I declare my intent to lean into the challenge. I remember Phil always hoping there would be an exam. Always looking for another chance to excel. It's in his DNA. And mine too. I need to remember the personal statement I wrote for the NSF GRFP. I embrace challenge.

I am going to have a hard conversation tomorrow.