September 2

I learned today that I can do well if I'm highly caffeinated. I was on point during a conversation I had with Lance and I think I represented myself well. We had an interesting conversation about ways to design a new type of needle that can draw a greater volume of liquid from a tumor microenvironment that is chock-full of EVs. He's going to add me to the letter of intent for the proposal that is due later this month.

I learned that (really, last week) that my bass chops are still good. I played damn well last week and I'm still feeling it.

In year 39, I must recommit myself to my research work. I need to pare down my obligations in projects I'm not interested in or that are not yielding anything tangible. The greatest portion of my energy needs to go into my group members: Shrishti, Sajad, Amit, and Joshua. At the same time, I must get ready for the DNA nanoswimmers project to begin. I've got a lot on my plate. 

I need to be organized. I need to be dedicated. I've learned that I must, must, must force myself to finish things. 

Ira Glass said, "Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you finish one story." What is going to be my finished product every week?

August 29

As I type, my ears are awash in the lush sounds of "From Gagarin's Point of View." 

I need to remind myself that at the end of the day, research is good fun. It allows me to indulge my morbid curiosity about the nature of things. 

I recommit myself to research. This semester I will focus my efforts on (1) getting Shrishti graduated, (2) experimental verification of the self-propelled nanofluid hypothesis, (3) developing the DNA nanoswimmers concept, (4) seeing if we can use magnetic microswimmers to penetrate lung tissue and make friends with macrophages.

June 24

From now on, when I reflect on mistakes I've made, I'm going to think: What can I learn from this? How does this help me in the present moment?

I had this thought about the sense of guilt I felt related to not having thanked the CHRB administrator for her message saying my grant had been renewed. I thought about it for a few days. Reflected on it. And eventually I came around to sending her an update email, asking whether they needed a 12-month interim report from me, and I tagged a "thank-you" note on at the end. I thought about it, and I did something about it.

Playing bass was really good tonight. It felt cathartic. I feel like I'm starting to get my chops back. I really like getting into this state where the only thing that matters in the world is the very next phrase I'm going to play. The phrase. Because that's when it feels natural and effortless.

More generally, I'm learning to settle into my own skin. In music, as detailed above. But also in science, as when I was working with Amit and Jorge today. It's a matter of leaning into the discomfort. 

June 10

I was hired in this job to be strong and put myself out there. I will be forceful.

let me continue to love the good and the true.

I shall renew my drive to treat my body well. Weights and cardio. Running. Orangetheory? And eating well. Let's make it happen.

May 29

It has been a rough month, between the shootings in Buffalo and Uvalde, finishing up the semester, Jayme's birthday, the party, the PRMRP proposal, and just trying to hold it all together.

I admitted tonight that I'm scared to go back and teach in person. I need to put these thoughts in another post. It's tough to face this all at once. The next time I teach in person, I will be ready.

A few thoughts:

1. I should get back into meditation. There's a temptation when I get up in the morning to get started with the day right away. I wonder if I would be a little more clear-minded if I gave myself a few minutes each morning to just be. Like I advised Amy Adams to do the other day. It might help me return to the "peace of mind" state I was able to attain when Mom was here. That is the right state to be in to do good work.
2. While practicing tonight, I had a thought: "Just string a few coherent phrases together. It's better to say something coherent, whatever is on the mind at the moment, without judging; just create." The same can be applied to doing creative work in the lab.
3. I felt good running today. It was nice to put sunscreen on, and feel a bit methodical while getting ready. It felt like I was giving my body the proper treatment. I need to reintegrate exercise into my daily routine, because I feel better in other areas of life when I do.
4. Now that it's summer, I need to have my morning routine down pat. I will make it a point to get up early, meditate, and write every single morning for an hour. No matter what, I will create something new, and it will be from my own heart and mind. It won't be the best stuff in the world at first. That's OK. The secret, I have a sneaking suspicion, is to just. keep. creating. I've been typing the Ira Glass quote a few times, but I haven't lived all the way up to it yet.

April 24

I admire people like Remi and Abhishek. They seem to have this PI thing figured out. I do not feel like I have it all figured out. Not by a long shot. And they probably have their issues as well. But it's hard when others show the absolute best version of themselves that they possibly can. This sort of thing is highly incentivized in academia, of course.

I need to make small, meaningful changes, and keep tabs on what works and what doesn't work. Starting this week. 

• Always write at the same times every day, week in, week out. Make focused writing a daily habit. 
• Put myself on a deadline so that at regular intervals, I have to produce a recognizable, concrete research product (presentation, white paper, pre-proposal, etc.) every month. I need to discuss what the best products are with my mentors.
• Order an espresso machine so I don't have to keep walking to the other building. 
• Bring my lunch 3 times a week during summer.
• Meet monthly with mentors (Leigh, George Hazelrigg, JDP...) Send them my strategic plan. 
  

Let's make it happen. 

April 13

Up way too late on a night before lecture. I will get to bed soon. 

A few good things I did today:

1. Meditated to begin the day. What if I did it for the next 21?
2. Looked through tunes in the Real Book to send to Dian for this mysterious gig coming up. Prompted by seeing "When I Fall In Love," accompanying the great Nat King Cole, and breaking down in tears. That was cathartic and it lowered my blood pressure. I went to campus relaxed and in a good spirit. 
3. Initiated a conversation with Allison about the AFM. 
4. Led the IPF meeting fairly well, I think. I remember feeling confident enough to ask the questions that were really vexing me. At one point I thought I was asking a dumb question, but Jorge said "that's a good question." Those are validating moments. 

Generally, I can feel myself getting more comfortable saying what I really feel and bringing the unvarnished truth. 

I need to build some momentum over a few days. I need to craft a realistic strategic plan for myself and send it to a few people for feedback. I must do this soon. I need to get on track so I can stop beating myself up about this. I will make it happen.