April 7

"You have to be confident." That's all the justification you need. It doesn't need to come from some deep place. This is where the phrase "fake it till you make it" comes from. It is real if you say it is.

Part of being confident is recognizing your good qualities and highlighting them. My attention to detail is better than most people I know.

I'm coming to realize Remi has no filter. A little blunt and rough around the edges at times. But maybe that's a good thing.

What if I truly did not care how others felt about me? What if I simply said exactly what I was thinking? Have I earned that right as a professor and PI, at least to some extent?

April 1

Good day today. I rose and had an easy morning for a change, eating my cereal, drinking coffee, doing the Wordle, reading HC Richardson's post. Bought >$60 worth of baked goods from Lemonade Bakery. It feels good to bring happiness to others. And that's what baked goods are.

Today I felt like I got "in the zone" with research. Probably what Remi feels like most days. This needs to be the default. I just need to get rollin'. Whatever greases the wheels. Whatever gets the juices flowing. I have to find that magic sauce and keep it in good supply.

Also, it felt good to play tonight. I'm finally beginning to get the Sarabande from Suite #1 under my fingers. The key was to watch the sheet music and focus on making the bowings come out right; the left-hand stuff took care of itself. 

Keep the balance.

March 22

Just get started.

Teaching once again got me in the right mood today. I felt good when I said to my wife's cousin "The longer I've been in research, the more comfortable I've been with looking like a complete fool by saying what I don't know." Einstein said "I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." (letter to Carl Seelig, 1952). I am not even going to think about comparing myself to him, but I can try to be passionately curious and see where it takes me. 

You have to let your curiosity overcome your fear of getting started. Begin before you feel ready.

March 17

Great visit to Denver. It did what it needed to do. Unfortunately, the feeling of calm always dissolves after a few days back at work. But maybe not this time. Maybe I can continue to recharge every weekend by talking to my parents, talking to my brother, playing music, meditating, and doing other non-work things.

I felt more confident to say what I truly felt today. I mainly noticed it when I was talking to Ardiana. And also when I had beers with Lee and Remi. Visiting home emboldens me, and I want to figure out how to stay emboldened long afterward. But on the other hand, traveling home should also remain special. 

I'm a little frustrated at how I spent my time this evening though.

No matter. All is fine now. I will get up again tomorrow and I will make a conscious effort to improve over today. I will be calm, set good goals for the day, and strive humbly to reach them.

March 6

I'm up too late on a Sunday night, once again.

A necessary weekend, overall. After Mike's murder last week, we are all shaken. In the immortal words of Bonobo (ft. Bajka), "Music is the healer, no matter who you are." 

I visited Nonie for the first time since the Before Times yesterday. Played with the fabulously talented Irene Jalenti. What a treat that was. Everything about that visit healed me. I want to remember chilling on the street in Bethesda before the gig, eating a piece of bread with chocolate and reading The Hobbit. I want to remember the conversations with Nonie's interesting friends and guests and her children. I want to remember the two-way communication and connection I had with Irene as we played. That fed me. 

And, of course, I want to remember belting out all the lyrics to The Blind Leaving the Blind. What a masterpiece that is. I want to remember how good I sounded, and how empowered I was after listening to it all the way through. Feeling heard boosts your confidence. Seeing what they have achieved pushes me to do more.

That continued tonight, as I listened to more of my new favorite jazz group, Foehn Trio. I think the word that best describes them is fresh. I haven't heard jazz that original and new and interesting and wonderful since I heard E.S.T. for the first time. 

I need to return to this article, this space. Let this be a reminder that my soul feels fed when I listen to groups like this, and when I play music with good people, for good people.

February 8

A smattering of thoughts:

1. I caught myself almost wavering to post a critical message on Bb about people doing other shit in class. But I stopped myself. "No. This is wrong and I'm going to take a stand about it." The same can be said for research. I need to stick up for my own ideas and fight for them. No one else is going to do that. Not even Remi. If I want DNA nanoswimmers to happen, I need to make them happen. If I want AHTF to happen, I need to make it happen. Noah not showing up to the lab won't stop me.
2. Also, WTF is up with Noah not showing up to lab? And not letting me know about it? That also needs to be called out and critiqued, appropriately.
3. I am converging on some useful mantras:
1. Eat the frog
2. Gradatim ferociter
3. Drawing without an eraser.

Onward.

February 6

1. Stay smitten. That is what will carry me through the next 3+ years. I had this thought last week upon realizing that the microfluidic setup Remi's capstone team is developing could also be adapted for use in the AHTF project. It propelled me forward. I still struggled to maintain focus after that. But I felt something stirring within me when I found that part out. Like we might have something here.
2. Also, after playing the gig at Truro today, I felt a sense of calm and equanimity. I've been thinking about how a leader should act. I think that showing calm in the face of adversity is a good start. A quiet sense of determination to get through difficult times. That, but also having a very low tolerance for bullshit. And ruthlessly calling it out when I see it. That's a critical part of good science. Remember De Magnete.
3. I remember watching a video (produced by Red Bull, no doubt) of some guys BASE jumping off some massive structure, I think somewhere in the Middle East. Right as they were about to fall, I remember one of them exuberantly doing pull-ups on the structure they were about to jump off of. Probably it was at least partially a way to let off some nervous energy that was building up in the guy's head. But it might also be a hint at the right attitude to take. While playing some bass tonight, I felt like my best playing tonight was when I imitated those jumpers. Although of course my life isn't on the line the way theirs was, I'm still in a somewhat risky situation, career-wise. Why not have fun with it? Why not get zany and bold and risk-taking? When you are willing to take risks and enjoy the ride along the way. 

This week, I will do some pull-ups.